That day was the last time I spoke with my father.
I was drained both physically and emotionally. I couldn't remember how long I had been doing this for. It felt like an eternity. Dad's illness had taken a tremendous toll on my mum and it was showing. She would forget simple things, she was tired and fragile.
I needed some time. It was early April and I was going to Melbourne for the weekend. It was somewhat work related but also a chance to get away and just breathe again without the pressure and the feeling that all eyes were looking at me to make the decisions in the family. I just needed 5 minutes to myself to regroup.
Friday for me was normal. I took an early flight to Melbourne and spoke with mum early Friday morning. She was quiet and I could tell she had been crying. She seemed distant and I knew something was up but she wouldn't tell me.
The call came early Saturday morning.......It was a blur. All I can remember was that mum was hysterical and her words were both garbled and jumbled. "He's in a coma!! His breathing is rapid and fast. He's dying!!!" I composed myself."I'll see you soon......"
I hopped the first plane home, all the while thinking, "Make it home to be with her when he goes."
Fear and adrenalin had taken over. I made it home by 8 pm. I went straight to the hospital and headed for his room. It was quiet. The TV was softly playing in the background and mum sat on the edge of her seat watching and willing him to breathe.
She looked tired. Her eyes were red and puffy. She had been crying. She looked relieved as I entered. "You didn't have to come." I looked at her, smiled politely and hugged her as she stood to greet me. "Of course I did. You can't go through this alone and i needed to say goodbye." My voice was strong, resolute. I would take some time later to cry. Right now i needed to be there for mum. She sat down again. I moved to dad's head. His breathing was short, sharp and shallow, almost like he was panting....His lips were cracked and with every breath he took he gurgled. Even though there was another bed present in the room we were alone. All that could be heard was the background noise of the TV. The staff had prepared the room today. They knew it was just a matter of time.
I caressed his head and gently kissed him on the forehead. I whispered gently to him, "It's okay to let go."
I sat across the bed from mum and held his hand for what seemed an eternity. Mum squeezed his hand tightly and would not let go.
They had been married for over thirty years. They had been through it all. Lost a child, raised two children, married off my sister, seen the birth of the first grandchild, been supportive of their children in all aspects. And all the while they had stayed together. Their love for each other had changed throughout the years. Now they were two people who couldn't survive and wouldn't and didn't know what to do without each other.
The night nurse would come and check on dad every half an hour.Occasionally she would check his vitals and clean his mouth. All the while mum and i just chatted. We spoke about nothing and everything just to pass the time waiting for the inevitable to happen.
He passed just after midnight on the 6th of April. It's something that I will never forget as it has been burnt into my memory. The reason is that respiratory arrest is long. The body physically fights against the urge to stop breathing. He struggled for a good 10 minutes. The interval between the gasps becoming longer and longer until there was silence. That's when it started.
The cold chill of a woman's cry who was truly in pain. It stunned me. I hugged her tight and could not, nah, would not let go until it subsided. All the while she cried out, "I'm going to be so alone! What am I going to do ??"
I could not cry.........I had cried enough and now was not the time for me to cry. After a long while she stopped and composed herself. I sat her down on the chair, kissed him on the forehead one last time and ran my fingers through his hair. I turned and went to the nurses night station. The male nurse looked over and I nodded at him. He knew.....
I returned to the room and looked at mum. She was packing his clothes. This wasn't what she needed to do. The nurse followed behind me. I went to mum's side and gently took her arm, stood here up and lead her to the door. "It's okay. They'll take care of it now. It's time to go. Have you said goodbye ?" She nodded and I lead her to the door. We walked the hallway slowly my arm around her. She sobbed gently as we walked and as we left and the hospital doors closed behind us we were greeted by the cool air of the night and the smell of rain.
Miss me but let me go.
When I come to the end of the road,
And the sun has set for me,
I want no rites in a gloom filled room,
Why cry for a soul set free.
Miss me a little, but not too long,
And not with your head bowed low,
Remember the love that once we shared,
Miss me but let me go.
For this is a journey we all must make,
And each must do it alone,
It's all part of the Master's plan,
A step on the road to home.
So when you are lonely and sad at heart,
Go to the friends we know,
Bury your sorrows in doing your deeds,
Miss me, but let me go.
Author Unknown.
My mate, my hero, my dad.........Miss you every day.
16/09/1935 - 6/04/2008