Inheritance

I always remember when my father first became ill. I watched this highly intelligent man begin to slur his words and take time not only to process but to respond to the simplest things. You watch that pattern again and again and it's hard not to break a little inside.

I have been blessed throughout my life to have the love and support of good family and friends. I am essentially a very private person and will keep most people at arms length. I found solitude several years ago beginning to write and then continuing this blog. I have found the words that I am not able to verbally communicate come easier to me when I write. Sure, my English and punctuation are poor, I realise that, but that's not what this is about....... For me it's about organising thoughts feelings, beliefs and experiences. I am not brave because I write like this, just honest with regards to my thoughts and feelings.........

I am essentially watching the same downward spiral with my mum. All she can think about is making sure that I am looked after when she passes and that I will not have the chaos to get my head around like I did when my father passed. All I can think about is that I hope she is not suffering and that when her time does come, god takes her into the palm of his hand..........

Even though she is going through all of this she has a great sense of humour and the calm of acceptance about her. I've said this before about the era that she came from, but, I truly remark at their resilience, acceptance and understanding of the hand that they have been dealt. Over the years I have gained some understanding of it and have adapted this into my life. This is something that I am truly grateful for that my parents passed on to me..............

Mother Teresa once wrote; 

" At the end of life we will not be judged by how many diplomas we have received, how much money we have made, how many great things we have done. We will be judged by 'I was homeless and you gave me to eat, I was naked and you clothed me, I was homeless and you took me in.' Hungry not only for bread - but hungry for love. Naked not only for clothing - but naked for human dignity and respect. Homeless not only for want of a room of bricks - but homeless because of rejection."

Love and Loss

I always remember the first Christmas after my father had passed away. Eleanor and I were in Queensland. I remember that I had an overwhelming sense of loss and abandonment.

This year it will be different. This will be my mothers last Christmas. I don't know what's worse losing someone and not having them spending it with you or knowing that this is their last Christmas and that there will be no more......

It's strange, what, why and how you think about that scenario. On the one hand I really want this to be a peaceful time but on the other I dread the thought of one final Christmas, because there will be no more.

That's it. For 41 years I have had this person around for 41 Christmas's but there will be no more.

What I say to people at this time of year is this. Cherish your family and friends because you don't know whether there will be another Christmas.........

My mum through her tears said this to me the other day " I'm not going to heaven...I'll always be with you and always have been......."

Carrie Latet once wrote;

"Ever felt an angel's breath in the gentle breeze? A teardrop in the falling rain? Hear a whisper amongst the rustle of leaves? Or been kissed by a lone snowflake? Nature is an angel's favourite hiding place."

Nurses

Nurses especially palliative and oncology nurses have the toughest job in the world. They are a care giver, first and foremost, councillor, patients advocate, friend and cleaner. It takes a special person to be able to do this job. I know because I grew up with one. They have to be stern when needed, compassionate when called for, level headed at all times and above all else maintain a sense of humor.

Case and point, I listened as my mother told me a story yesterday. She had a terrible night and had not slept well. She had oxygen bubbling through nasal prongs and her IV pulsing as she told the story. It was about a man 2 doors down, who had been disoriented and verbally abusive with the nurses all night. He had been unable to settle and clearly had no idea about where he was or what he was doing.

He appeared at the nurses station at 5:30 am and handed the nurse his daily menu. The nurse politely accepted the menu for the day and then directly looking at the man said "I think we should get back to bed as your missing something". He looked down, and of course he was bottomless and was sharing with the world what he had been born with. The man without missing a beat and without changing his facial expression said "Yeah, I know but I figured at this time in the morning no one would care". The nurse replied " Well it's not a good time to do that". His response "Well when is a good time". Hers, without any change in expression "After 4 pm this afternoon". 

Now that may just be an Aussie thing, the sense of humor I mean, but he went wholly and solely back to his room chortling away.........

God bless all nurses......

I thought this quote seemed appropriate

"I am only one; but still 

I AM ONE.

I cannot do everything;

but still I can do something. AND

I will not refuse to do something that

I CAN DO."

E.E. Hale

In the blink of an eye

And so that's it. When a diagnosis of cancer is made you hope and pray for that miracle. Doctors make promises and lead you on with that glimmer of hope. Then finally biology and the stink of cancer intervenes and takes all those promises and hopes of a miracle away. It's funny that with all our technology that we need to actually visualize to fully understand what an insidious thing cancer can be.........

6 months, I think not..........

Imagine there's no cancer,

It's easy if you try,

No pain or suffering,

Or waiting just to die.

Imagine all the people,

Living worry free,

Without that ticking time-bomb,

That no one else can see.

You may say I'm a dreamer,

But I'm not the only one,

That hopes the world will be cancer free,

So we can live as one.

Thanks

Well, to say that this has been a roller-coaster ride in the last few weeks is an understatement. What hits home is what a great mate and colleague of mine said when my father was so ill. "There will be a bunch of people that pretend they care but do nothing, and then there will be a bunch of people that not only will care, but will support you through this whole ordeal. That's the people that count in your life and are your true friends. My utmost thanks go to my family at LSU. You know I'm not one for emotion and I keep things to myself alot of the time but "THANK YOU". To the graduating class of 2015 thank-you for being a great bunch of students, colleagues and above all else friends. Remember to "Do what you love and love what you do" and follow your instincts. To my mentors, a big "THANK YOU". Not only for your support but for your faith in me and for giving me the opportunity to finish what I started. Words cannot express my gratitude to you all.

I love this quote:

" Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see"

and one final quote

"Something that has always puzzled me all my life is why, when I am in special need of help, the good deed is usually done by somebody on whom I have no claim." 

William Feather

6 months

It seems like a long time but blink and you'll miss it. Yesterday I learnt that. My mum was 42 when she lost her mother. I'll be the same......My parents came from an era that they are and have always been protective of their children. They have, for want of a better phrase, a soldier on mentality. The world could be ending and they would still carry on and put on a brave face........

I guess for me my mother has been my mentor, protector and a person that has sacrificed allot of her wants and needs for her kids. She has given me unconditional love at times while I have tested her patience. She has equipped me with the skills and knowledge to function as a normal person.....

6 months is not a long time.......But that's all I have with her. We'll make the most of it.......I promise.