So summer's over. Can't say it's been enjoyable but it's certainly been memorable for all the wrong reasons. In a few weeks I'll return to finish what I started 3 years ago in America and 7 years ago in Australia. Having normality again is a must. Slowly you begin to move your life along and the pain from the loss of a loved one begins to fade. Don't get me wrong the memories never fade but definitely the pain starts to numb and you progress forward.

So what has happened since the passing? A whole house has been cleaned out. 3 skips and 2 tonnes of rubbish removed. Several wardrobes of clothes have been donated to charity. Local artist paintings have been donated to the oncology unit. Numerous sets of glasses have been donated to third world countries....

What have I gained from it all besides the headache of sorting through the years of memories, trinkets and bric a brac? I have further developed a unique understanding of my parents and grandparents. I have read through all of my mum's writings and have developed a new respect for what a remarkable woman she truly was. I have also discovered what she sacrificed, not only to bring me into the world but also raise me.

So what is left? Well Wednesday will be a day of farewells when my mum is finally laid to rest and her ashes scattered. Just her and I and a priest. No fan fare, just the way she would have wanted it.

To all the people who have shown their support and have been there during this difficult time, words cannot express my thanks. You have been and remain true friends.........

Remember

Remember me when I am gone, 

gone far away into the silent land;

When you can no more hold me by the hand, 

nor I half turn to go, yet turning stay

Remember me when no more day by day

you tell me of the future that you planned;

Only remember me; you understand

it will be late to counsel then or pray.

Yet, if you should forget me for a while

and afterwards, remember, do not grieve:

For if the darkness and corruption leave

a vestige of the thoughts that once I had, 

better by far you should forget and smile 

than that you should remember and be sad. 

Integrity

Is kindness and being reserved considered a weakness these days?? A few years ago I would have said no, but these days I feel that people see kindness/reserved people and then seek to take advantage of a situation.

I am a very reserved person at heart. I tend to keep my feelings to myself and treat people as I wish to be treated. However, I'm no pushover. If someone takes advantage or tries to walk all over me I will and do stand up for myself and will push back. And then what happens if you do have that back bone to push back? Well, when that happens we have lost all rationalism, so much so that we have become litigious. That is reflected throughout society because as a whole, and this is a generalisation,  we now look always blame each other and seek monetary advantage from this, rather than say "shit happens" or accepting responsibility and saying "That's my mistake......"

There is a mentality out there these days that screwing with someone or screwing over someone to get ahead in life has become the norm. Almost like, and forgive me for using the analogy, a kill or be killed sentiment..... I feel we concentrate on the blame rather than figuring out how to make it right or wanting to make it right........So we cover our arses and sign contracts. Gone are the days where anyone trusts the word of somebody else. No more handshakes or for that matter trust. It's a shame.....

Call me a romantic at heart but i still take people on their word. If someone says they are going to do something, they do it. A handshake is as good to me as the paper that a contract is written on.

I like this Gary Dodd poem Integrity;

Integrity is standing up for what you believe in.

It is treating everyone equally and fairly, acting independent of others that do otherwise.

It is being open and honest, responsible for all of your actions.

It is speaking out when others are treated poorly.

It is refusing to participate in actions detrimental to others.

It is admitting and apologising for your errors, when mistakes are made.

It is respecting your environment, your fellow humans and your self.

Integrity is not a characteristic, it is a way of life.

It is what you do, and what you say, always.

It sets you apart from others, it defines you as a person.

Treat others as you would want to be treated. 

Be upstanding, be forthright, be conscious of all your actions.

Remember to always act with integrity.

Act always with integrity but also remember to stand up for your beliefs and yourself......

Decisions

Should one bad decision define the rest of your life?

There is no simple answer to this question. Some people may say it depends on what has been done, others speak of the ability of a person to change.......

Look at the Bali 9 - nine Aussies arrested in 2005 in Denpasar, Indonesia for planning to smuggle 8.3 kg of heroin from Indonesia to Australia. As Andrew Chan and Myuran Sukumaran await their final fate I think about the power of change and rehabilitation. These men have changed their lives for the good and now help and mentor other people in life. But there is a flip side...What would have happened if the drugs they were smuggling would have made it to Australia? Each year over 100 people die from Heroin over dosage. That person is the son, daughter, father, mother, sister or brother of someone.....

There is much debate over it all, and in all honesty I sit on the fence with this one. I think that you have weigh up each situation on its merits. I think each day we are tested in one way, shape or form and we have to make the best decision at the time as they may have an impact on us later on in life. Above all else I think that you some decisions you live to regret whilst others which you initially think are bad may just turn out for the best......

In the last few weeks, I have found myself wanting to quit a number of times. And by quit I mean give up on the process of going through my mum's estate and I have also contemplated not going back to finish my residency. Then I came across this in my Mum's papers.....

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,

When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,

When the funds are low and the debts are high, 

And you want to smile, but have to sigh,

When care is pressing you down a bit-

Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,

As every one of us sometimes learns,

And many a fellow turns about

When he might have won had he stuck it out. 

Don't give up though the pace seems slow -

You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than

It seems to a faint and faltering man;

Often the struggler has given up

When he might have captured the victor's cup;

And he learned too late when the night came down, 

How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out-

The silver tint in the clouds of doubt,

And you never can tell how close you are,

It might be near when it seems afar;

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -

It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

Every decision you make has a consequence. Be it good or bad, it should not define who you are for the rest of your life. If it is a bad decision recognise it, make a conscious decision to not let it happen again, and move on. Who knows a bad decision may be the best decision that you ever made......

Theodore Roosevelt once wrote:

"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing"