First diagnosis(7)

It was just after Christmas and I was settling in to the new year. New job, new house......It was as if everything was looking up.

Then, there was the phone call....I remember it as if it was like yesterday(Kind of corny I know, but it is something that has and most probably will stick with me forever)......It was my mum. She was not upset, just quiet, and she spoke softly."Stuart, we need to talk.....It's your dad", my heart skipped a beat."Somethings happened". Now it fluttered a little. "Your dad's had a turn." And there it was. Five simple words that hit the mark they were intended for. The perfect bulls eye. The thing I had dreaded finally upon me."I'll put your dad on".
When he came to the phone, it took what seemed like an eternity for him to speak. I did not recognise the man that spoke. His words were garbled, his speech slow and slurred. I had to concentrate to hear what he had to say. I don't even know or remember the content just the way it was delivered. It was all I needed to hear.

When mum came back to the phone I could tell she was fighting the tears back and that dad was standing next to her....All I could do was say"I'm sorry" and "I'll be home tomorrow"...

This was the beginning of the end or perhaps the beginning of the end was when we first discovered the cancer. The bomb had gone off and finally I knew the damage that I was dealing with.

At least it was drawing close to the end..............God I hated myself for thinking and feeling that but he had suffered, mum had suffered.......Fuck !!!! I hate this disease.

I drove home a day later. All the time thinking that, "maybe he would get his miracle. Maybe? It could happen? Right ?"

I arrived home just on 730. I had spent 13 hours in the car and was tired, but still, I had work to do. Planning, I just couldn't stop. My mind couldn't stop. I thought about all the scenarios, pain, seizures, palliation, hospital, the inevitable funeral, how much time off work/relationship. Preparations for mum. The house!! Oh god the house......It was run down and the trees and grass overgrown. It was showing it's age like it's occupants. "Where to start ?"

First things first! Dad. I found him in bed. He looked frail and old and struggled to sit up or for that matter interact at all. The bedroom smelt musty...........I sat next to him on the bed and stroked his head......"Hey old man"...He looked up and smiled at me.......It had beaten him. Who am I kidding. It was always going to beat him."Can I get you anything ?" He squeezed out a "No" on the end of a long breath......."Alright, I'll let you rest."

Mum and I sat in the sun room away from their bedroom. She had moved bedrooms to give him some peace and quiet.....Tears welled up in her eyes. "I don't know what to do ?"
"Has he seen the doctor ?"
"Yes"
"So what drugs is he on ?"
"Nurofen. I'm not happy about it. I contacted a palliative care doctor. He's one of the best. His book is full but because I nursed he will see us tomorrow" She looked at me hoping, knowing that I would be chauffeuring them around until the end........
"Okay, well that's the first thing. I won't have him in pain mum....He can't be in any pain......"

First diagnosis (6)

Remembering facts and figures has always been a strong point of mine. My mum has always said that I am quiet unless I have something real to say and when I say it, it is said with conviction. Most of my work colleagues think that I am the clown and to some extent they are right......It's a good charade.....
It was December 2007, We left in the late afternoon for home with trailer in tow. I drove the 13 hours with limited stops. Ripped tarps and a deluge of rain in Sydney could not stop me getting to home. All the while I was thinking, "What's he going to be like ?, Is he going to be the same ?"
Mum had already told me that he had lost alot of weight and would sleep most of the day. He would sit for only short periods because he could not get comfortable..........This really sucked

We arrived at 3 am. All we could do was leave the car in the driveway and fall into bed.....I don't think I slept alot.

I remember thinking when I first saw him, that he looked like a skeleton. He had lost weight, he looked dishevelled and he appeared distant. Still, he was trying to be his same old self. Yet he was slower. It was like everything he did took thought and focus......

The house was in desperate need of some TLC. All I could do on this trip was hang new curtains, replace a fly screen and door handle and the time was gone.........

We left 24 hours later for Queensland........

Before I left mum had the talk with me..She was worried and upset about it all. Why shouldn't she be. This was her husband, the man she had married, had been with for 27 years, and he was going to leave her in the not too distant future. "I need to know what's going to happen ?"
Fuck, I didn't know. How was I suppose to know? I had friends that had died, but not my old man.....When the time comes I will be there. It was true, my life was about to get more complicated and it needed to be. These were my family, the people who had supported me through thick and thin.....I would be there for them. I had to be!

New Beginning

Wow, The last few days have been a blur for me, for that matter, so have the last 8 months. I have gone from my whole world falling apart in June to moving to a foreign country to do something that I have always wanted to do but didn't think I was capable of.
Initially when making a decision to make the move and apply for the match a good friend said to me " The thing that scares everyone most of all is the fear of being rejected rather than the application process itself" She was right. I hated the thought of applying and finding out that "no" they didn't want me.
No one likes to hear it. We all like to think we are good at what we do and sometimes not applying and putting yourself out there for judgement is often easier than looking in the mirror and judging yourself or being judged by others.
Before this I had always put up roadblocks to it all, too old, too experienced etcetcetc......"Blahblahblah"..
You tell yourself all these bullshit things so that you don't have to be judged but at the end of the day if you really want something, as I did, you have to be put on a stage by yourself and have the spotlight placed upon you.
When I first saw the match list, I had to pinch myself, I almost choked and then emotion took over....."Made it"......The euphoria has not subsided nor will it. I am in awe of all the support from both friends and family that I have received and am so pumped to be moving on both personally and professionally...........

First Diagnosis(5)

I don't know why I called this first diagnosis now as clearly we are coming to the end of this story. I think I lack the imagination to be witty or creative.

After, what seemed like an eternity mum finally returned from Japan. She was greeted with dad's news by dad. I had already told her so she was expecting it. All she did was be supportive in the decision that he made. That's all any of us could be. His decision was final!!!....
Life went on, and so did the tests. I don't know why.....To say he was stuffed was an understatement. It was just a matter of time.
We went back to speaking on the phone, talking footy, dogs and the usual bullshit about politics and money. He was beat, you could tell in his voice, when he spoke.......
All I wanted to do was go home, tell him to fight and not lay down........Just get up damn it!!!.....One more time. Just like you taught me to do........
My world kept falling apart slowly. Hated Melbourne, in career limbo, wanted a residency but was overlooked...........and meantime all I wanted to do was move closer to home and help mum and dad through this and just be there.......
When a chance came to move back to Queensland I jumped at it. More to the point I was going to visit mum and dad and be closer to them...............
All I felt was relief and a sick feeling in my stomach at the same time. What do you say to someone who is dying ?, How do you behave ? especially when it's your dad.........All I thought about was seeing him again since the news. How to get through this without losing my bottle ???...........

First Diagnosis(4)

It had been some weeks since Dad's surgery. It had gone without a hitch.

Most that don't know about Melanoma, they harvest the malignant cells and create a vaccine with them to be used against it as a form of chemotherapy. We were in limbo whilst this was occurring......During that time my mum had to rush to Japan for my sister. She had been trying to get pregnant for a long time without success. We soon discovered why.......She had a uterine mass......"Shit could life get any better ?????" Whilst mum was away mum had asked if I would look in on Dad from time to time........

As usual he was hard to get hold of. Those that new my dad knew that he wasn't the most talkative and hated the phone..........When I finally got hold of him he seemed preoccupied.......He was aloof but  pleasant. We talk about everything and nothing all at once. His beloved Saints were losing again..........
He finally broached the subject with me. "I've decided not to get any further treatment and my mind's made up"......He used his stern voice this time and I could tell he was up for a fight if necessary. All I could say was "OK".........

"I can beat this..It won't beat me"....."That's fine dad, I accept it all"

"I don't need it or want it"......"OK"........

I knew he would do this. It was me he had to convince not mum. I was the person that he sought validation for big decisions like this these days. There was no doubt he was a fighter. I had grown up respecting the fact that he would fight for the underdog and wouldn't give up. He had a strong sense of social justice and would not back down. But there was one thing. As I had grown older he sort more and more my approval. We had grown closer in that sense......

I just let him talk.......

When he had finished I simply replied."OK, I accept you have made your decision. That is your right. I thought you would do this and that's fine. Now here is my decision, and I speak for mum as well as the rest of the family............You will become sicker, that's just a given..........There will come a time that you will not be able to take care of yourself, that's a given.......When that day comes, mum will not be able to take care of you and I think it is unfair for you to ask her to. She has been not only your wife and partner in life, but your best friend. She has stood by you throughout the marriage and this disease. In all honesty dad I expected this.........So here is my decision....................When that day comes you will be admitted to a palliative care unit to be taken care of by professionals.........No questions asked and I will be responsible for that decision..........."

The phone was silent for what seemed like an eternity. All that was going through my mind was"You fuckwit!!!!!!!.......You have destroyed him"............I think that day was the day that I broke his heart and he never forgave me..........

All he said was "Okay" .....and we went on talking for a few minutes before we said our goodbyes and he hung up...........
He did not answer the phone to me for the next week............

First diagnosis(3)

I remember when the news came through. I had been living in Melbourne for four years and was over it, another story for another time.

When the phone call came it was my mum who spoke first. She was very casual about everything and told me without breaking for a breath. I could tell she was worried and dad was next to her. "The cancer's back Stu. It's in his lymph node. Your dad goes in for surgery next week to remove it and the local node. I'll put your dad on."........It took every fibre of his being to be upbeat.....He knew. His voice almost broke a few times and I could hear the pain in it as he tried to be upbeat. "I'll be fine son. This is not going to beat me." My voice choked up and I fought with every fibre of my being not to cry then and there. All I could think of was...."He's about to become another statistic. We spoke for another few minutes about the dogs and of course rugby.......It was something that we could always turn to when the conversation got to hard, sport and the dogs........His final words to me were. "I'll put your mother back on......Don't worry I'll be fine......"

When mum came back on she almost sounded relieved. Relieved that she could share the burden and could talk to someone about it. I couldn't and didn't say allot to her about it. I was shell shocked but I shouldn't of been.......I knew what was coming and I knew what I had to do..........It wasn't about me. It was all about the family and keeping it together.....

I needed time to myself. Time to digest what I had just heard. Time to come up with a plan.........I couldn't talk with anyone about it.......They just wouldn't understand........

First diagnosis(2)

When the news came that the lymph node was clear, to say it was a relief was an underestimate. I think I just sat and cried. What came next was worse. It was like dad had been hit by a train. He thought that this could never happen to him and he finally realised that he was not invincible after all.

I remember the doctor sitting down with him and going through the battery of tests that was going to occur every three months for the next 5 years, and that there was a strong likelihood given the nature of the cancer that he wouldn't see this time through.

 I thought the initial diagnosis was bad but knowing that you would be dead within 5 years was "SHIT." Still to give the old boy his credit he got on with things after his sutures came out. Unbeknownst to me, and after his death I found several scribblings of a man struggling with it all, looking for possible treatments no matter how bizarre, like the half a raw onion each day and a possible cancer cure............
I think for me that was the hardest thing to realise, that he thought he was alone during it all. Even though he had close support around him he internalised it all because he was just that type of guy........He came from a family where the man of the house was its strength no matter what. Also I think because he had lost his father at 13 and then had become the man of the house, going to work soon after had contributed to his failure to communicate..............

The tests were never ending and as soon as he would finish one round another round would begin. His life was now ruled by the cancer even though there was no sign of it..............It was just a matter of time 'tic toc tic toc'