Catching up

It's funny how you can just pick up with lifelong friends just like it was yesterday. I met up with one of those mates at the end of a challenging time for me at home in Australia. It was like it was yesterday. Sure our hair has receded and there is more grey than before in hair and beards but the truth is those bonds that were forged 3 decades ago are still there.....Kind of corny I know, but for me those are the people that you hold close through memories and experiences and even though life continues and you can lose touch with each other for long periods you always know that those true friends who you really value will be around.........

"True friends are people you don't need to talk to every single day. You don't need to talk to each other for months or years, but when you do, it's as if you never stopped talking and the time that you have lost contact with each other melts away"

Anon Author 

So summer's over. Can't say it's been enjoyable but it's certainly been memorable for all the wrong reasons. In a few weeks I'll return to finish what I started 3 years ago in America and 7 years ago in Australia. Having normality again is a must. Slowly you begin to move your life along and the pain from the loss of a loved one begins to fade. Don't get me wrong the memories never fade but definitely the pain starts to numb and you progress forward.

So what has happened since the passing? A whole house has been cleaned out. 3 skips and 2 tonnes of rubbish removed. Several wardrobes of clothes have been donated to charity. Local artist paintings have been donated to the oncology unit. Numerous sets of glasses have been donated to third world countries....

What have I gained from it all besides the headache of sorting through the years of memories, trinkets and bric a brac? I have further developed a unique understanding of my parents and grandparents. I have read through all of my mum's writings and have developed a new respect for what a remarkable woman she truly was. I have also discovered what she sacrificed, not only to bring me into the world but also raise me.

So what is left? Well Wednesday will be a day of farewells when my mum is finally laid to rest and her ashes scattered. Just her and I and a priest. No fan fare, just the way she would have wanted it.

To all the people who have shown their support and have been there during this difficult time, words cannot express my thanks. You have been and remain true friends.........

Remember

Remember me when I am gone, 

gone far away into the silent land;

When you can no more hold me by the hand, 

nor I half turn to go, yet turning stay

Remember me when no more day by day

you tell me of the future that you planned;

Only remember me; you understand

it will be late to counsel then or pray.

Yet, if you should forget me for a while

and afterwards, remember, do not grieve:

For if the darkness and corruption leave

a vestige of the thoughts that once I had, 

better by far you should forget and smile 

than that you should remember and be sad. 

Integrity

Is kindness and being reserved considered a weakness these days?? A few years ago I would have said no, but these days I feel that people see kindness/reserved people and then seek to take advantage of a situation.

I am a very reserved person at heart. I tend to keep my feelings to myself and treat people as I wish to be treated. However, I'm no pushover. If someone takes advantage or tries to walk all over me I will and do stand up for myself and will push back. And then what happens if you do have that back bone to push back? Well, when that happens we have lost all rationalism, so much so that we have become litigious. That is reflected throughout society because as a whole, and this is a generalisation,  we now look always blame each other and seek monetary advantage from this, rather than say "shit happens" or accepting responsibility and saying "That's my mistake......"

There is a mentality out there these days that screwing with someone or screwing over someone to get ahead in life has become the norm. Almost like, and forgive me for using the analogy, a kill or be killed sentiment..... I feel we concentrate on the blame rather than figuring out how to make it right or wanting to make it right........So we cover our arses and sign contracts. Gone are the days where anyone trusts the word of somebody else. No more handshakes or for that matter trust. It's a shame.....

Call me a romantic at heart but i still take people on their word. If someone says they are going to do something, they do it. A handshake is as good to me as the paper that a contract is written on.

I like this Gary Dodd poem Integrity;

Integrity is standing up for what you believe in.

It is treating everyone equally and fairly, acting independent of others that do otherwise.

It is being open and honest, responsible for all of your actions.

It is speaking out when others are treated poorly.

It is refusing to participate in actions detrimental to others.

It is admitting and apologising for your errors, when mistakes are made.

It is respecting your environment, your fellow humans and your self.

Integrity is not a characteristic, it is a way of life.

It is what you do, and what you say, always.

It sets you apart from others, it defines you as a person.

Treat others as you would want to be treated. 

Be upstanding, be forthright, be conscious of all your actions.

Remember to always act with integrity.

Act always with integrity but also remember to stand up for your beliefs and yourself......

Decisions

Should one bad decision define the rest of your life?

There is no simple answer to this question. Some people may say it depends on what has been done, others speak of the ability of a person to change.......

Look at the Bali 9 - nine Aussies arrested in 2005 in Denpasar, Indonesia for planning to smuggle 8.3 kg of heroin from Indonesia to Australia. As Andrew Chan and Myuran Sukumaran await their final fate I think about the power of change and rehabilitation. These men have changed their lives for the good and now help and mentor other people in life. But there is a flip side...What would have happened if the drugs they were smuggling would have made it to Australia? Each year over 100 people die from Heroin over dosage. That person is the son, daughter, father, mother, sister or brother of someone.....

There is much debate over it all, and in all honesty I sit on the fence with this one. I think that you have weigh up each situation on its merits. I think each day we are tested in one way, shape or form and we have to make the best decision at the time as they may have an impact on us later on in life. Above all else I think that you some decisions you live to regret whilst others which you initially think are bad may just turn out for the best......

In the last few weeks, I have found myself wanting to quit a number of times. And by quit I mean give up on the process of going through my mum's estate and I have also contemplated not going back to finish my residency. Then I came across this in my Mum's papers.....

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,

When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,

When the funds are low and the debts are high, 

And you want to smile, but have to sigh,

When care is pressing you down a bit-

Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,

As every one of us sometimes learns,

And many a fellow turns about

When he might have won had he stuck it out. 

Don't give up though the pace seems slow -

You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than

It seems to a faint and faltering man;

Often the struggler has given up

When he might have captured the victor's cup;

And he learned too late when the night came down, 

How close he was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out-

The silver tint in the clouds of doubt,

And you never can tell how close you are,

It might be near when it seems afar;

So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -

It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

Every decision you make has a consequence. Be it good or bad, it should not define who you are for the rest of your life. If it is a bad decision recognise it, make a conscious decision to not let it happen again, and move on. Who knows a bad decision may be the best decision that you ever made......

Theodore Roosevelt once wrote:

"In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing"

Passing

God took a beautiful human being into his hands today and an angel got her wings. In the end she passed away as she lived, quietly, with dignity and with her son by her side.

Rest in peace. 

Although you are gone you will never be far from me and will always be in my heart.

Vivian Rita Walton

9th August 1940 - 2nd January 2015

I'll leave with her favourite poem by W. H. Auden:

Stop all the clocks, cut of the telephone,

Prevent the dog from barking with a big juicy bone,

Silence the pianos with muffled drum,

Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead

Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,

Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,

Let the traffic policeman wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East, my West,

My working week and my Sunday rest,

My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;

I thought love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;

Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;

Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.

For nothing now can ever come to any good. 

Inheritance

I always remember when my father first became ill. I watched this highly intelligent man begin to slur his words and take time not only to process but to respond to the simplest things. You watch that pattern again and again and it's hard not to break a little inside.

I have been blessed throughout my life to have the love and support of good family and friends. I am essentially a very private person and will keep most people at arms length. I found solitude several years ago beginning to write and then continuing this blog. I have found the words that I am not able to verbally communicate come easier to me when I write. Sure, my English and punctuation are poor, I realise that, but that's not what this is about....... For me it's about organising thoughts feelings, beliefs and experiences. I am not brave because I write like this, just honest with regards to my thoughts and feelings.........

I am essentially watching the same downward spiral with my mum. All she can think about is making sure that I am looked after when she passes and that I will not have the chaos to get my head around like I did when my father passed. All I can think about is that I hope she is not suffering and that when her time does come, god takes her into the palm of his hand..........

Even though she is going through all of this she has a great sense of humour and the calm of acceptance about her. I've said this before about the era that she came from, but, I truly remark at their resilience, acceptance and understanding of the hand that they have been dealt. Over the years I have gained some understanding of it and have adapted this into my life. This is something that I am truly grateful for that my parents passed on to me..............

Mother Teresa once wrote; 

" At the end of life we will not be judged by how many diplomas we have received, how much money we have made, how many great things we have done. We will be judged by 'I was homeless and you gave me to eat, I was naked and you clothed me, I was homeless and you took me in.' Hungry not only for bread - but hungry for love. Naked not only for clothing - but naked for human dignity and respect. Homeless not only for want of a room of bricks - but homeless because of rejection."

Love and Loss

I always remember the first Christmas after my father had passed away. Eleanor and I were in Queensland. I remember that I had an overwhelming sense of loss and abandonment.

This year it will be different. This will be my mothers last Christmas. I don't know what's worse losing someone and not having them spending it with you or knowing that this is their last Christmas and that there will be no more......

It's strange, what, why and how you think about that scenario. On the one hand I really want this to be a peaceful time but on the other I dread the thought of one final Christmas, because there will be no more.

That's it. For 41 years I have had this person around for 41 Christmas's but there will be no more.

What I say to people at this time of year is this. Cherish your family and friends because you don't know whether there will be another Christmas.........

My mum through her tears said this to me the other day " I'm not going to heaven...I'll always be with you and always have been......."

Carrie Latet once wrote;

"Ever felt an angel's breath in the gentle breeze? A teardrop in the falling rain? Hear a whisper amongst the rustle of leaves? Or been kissed by a lone snowflake? Nature is an angel's favourite hiding place."