The right one

As a kid there was an ideal life that I had dreamed of. It was married with 3 kids and house with a white picket fence. Over time I got use to the idea that the dream was becoming further and further beyond my grasp and with time it changed and evolved into something else that suited where I was at in my life. I use to look at it as a failure on my part as I could not settle down and that I caused the failure of relationships. I do believe that I am somewhat to blame for there failure but I am not solely to blame. What these failures have taught me over time is what I do not want in a partner or relationship.  Likewise sometimes I wish that I could go back in time and tell my younger self to "Run now" or just give myself a reality check.....

So if I had the chance to give my younger self some advice this would be it.

1. Dating is suppose to be fun. Sometimes it can be hard but that does not mean that you should have to stomach bad or poor behavior. It is also true that relationships can take work. However, if you are slaving to make the relationship function then maybe you need to do a second take.....

2. Love does not mean a relationship should continue at all costs. This one is especially for me. Changing your personality or giving up things that define you to accomodate someone else will eventually end in failure. 

3. The dating scene will get better.....It's easy to despair especially when a relationship finishes that this was your last shot at the forever story. However, "Don't" and if the relationship was not right or didn't feel right it would most likely end in failure anyway. Learn from the failures to make a better wiser you that finds the person that they are truly meant to be with.

So with that, here it is once again.......

1. I’ll buy you things, but won’t try to buy you. Money can’t fix mistakes. Forgiveness can’t be bought. I believe money to be a tool, a bridge between where we are and where we can go in life; not a tool to pay for someone’s love, time, or affection. Without someone to share it with, nothing is worth a dime. I’ll try every day to earn what must be earned, not paid for.

2. Expect flowers. You’ll mention your favourite flower once and not even realize that I’ll remember it forever. Just know I’ll never see them as an adequate substitute for an apology, a replacement for treating you well, or a right to a previous wrong.

3. I’ll listen. Even when you’re being difficult, stubborn, and complicated.

4. I’ll remember. Your likes, so I can get close to them. Your dislikes, so I can avoid them. What your first Halloween costume was, so I can remind you how cute you looked. Where you’ve been, so I can be thankful for where you are. Where you want to go, so I can be inspired to go there with you. What your biggest dreams are, so I can do whatever I can to push you towards them. Where our first date was, so we can go back.

5. Thanks. By the time I get to you, I’ll have been hurt several times over. Thanks for letting me get to you, because in the end I’ll be getting into you only because you got to me first. You’re different in the best way possible.

6. Your value is not found in me. I have nothing to do with your value as a person, and you’ll know that. I’ll do my best to encourage and support the things that make you who you are, but the reason you have value is that you’re you. That’s truer than true.

7. You be my soft and sweet. I’ll be your strong and steady. Fill the holes left by my checkered past. Be the wine to my whiskey. The person you are will reflect the person I want to be, and together that’s just a whole big bunch of awesomeness. The world ain’t ready.

8. Never let me become normal. I was once told by someone very smart that I should be intimidated by the fear of being average. To this day, I am. You’re anything but normal, so expect the same from me.

9. You’ll never not be enough. I’ll give up time with my friends for more memories with you. 

10. When I met you, I only wanted you to be happy. Even if it wasn’t with me.  The only goal from the beginning was to see you smile. This is just a bonus.

11. I’ll need a few hundred second chances, but hopefully no third ones. Mistakes stop being mistakes when they become matters of conscious decision. Never put up with me being foolish enough to be reckless with your emotions many times over.

12. It doesn’t matter what, where or when. It only matters who. Nights spent dressed up downtown when we’re 25 will be just as fun as staying home and doing the dishes together before watching a movie when we’re 30. Times change the people and the passion remain the same.

13. I’ll always remember our first date. I’ll never forget what you wore, what we did, what we talked about, or the feeling I had when I saw you walking my way. The way I tried not to let you catch my stare into your eyes will always resonate, and the tiny little thought that was so amazing was that those eyes were looking right back at me. 

14. Everybody has a past. I won’t be the first guy you’ve dated, but I hope to be the last. I won’t bring your past hurt into our relationship. I won’t worry about where you’ve been, only where you are. It’s all about where we’re going.

15. I’ll date you forever. Dating isn’t merely a process before marriage. It continues afterwards. Easier said than done, but it’ll always be a priority for me to make you feel prioritized. Even if it means sacrificing time I could have solo with my friends, it’s always better when we’re together.

16. Hope you don’t get seasick. Time will be made for vacations whenever possible, whether it’s on a cruise for a week far from home, a couple of days in a cabin, or a date day nearby. I’ll never regret interrupting normal life to get away with you.

17. I’ll take the good stuff. No, that won’t be a tall one after work. It won’t be shots of Patron to numb a bad day, a fight, or a speed bump in the road of our marriage. I won’t be able to find the good stuff at the corner bar. It’ll be coming back to you, working it out, and moving on. The love I’ll have for you is stronger than the whiskey.

18. Take your time coming home. Take the long way around. If there’s ever a time when you’re tired of the view from the same window, a time when you feel the need to go find yourself, go. Go write your name in new sand and put your feet into new water. I’ll be here. I want to hold you, but I don’t want to hold you back.

19. Nothing safe is worth the drive. I know we’ve got bills to pay, and nothing figured out just yet. But let’s never forget to be spontaneous along the way. Teach me how to take more risks and live with more abandon for borders and guidelines. Let’s do things all the time that scare the living hell out of us and make our own new rules.

20. I’ve been waiting for you. I’ve hoped to become and be the person you’re looking for, and hoped my eyes would be shaped to hold you higher than the rest. You won’t be without your quirks, but I’ll love them endlessly. You’ve got that one thing that I’ll never be able to describe. All that you are is all that I’ll ever need.

So, alas, all that’s left is to meet you. Maybe I already have. Maybe when I do I’ll know immediately, or maybe the signs will come subtly along the way. All I have left to say is I’m glad you exist, because sooner or later, you’re going to be the best thing that has ever been mine.

Decluttering

Okay, okay, The declutter title sucks you in. The topic is somewhat cryptic because it's not just decluttering physical things from your life but it's also decluterring your mind. The decluttering of tangible things is easy enough to do. Decluttering of the mind is a little more tricky. Whether it's from an unexpected breakup or an unimaginable tragedy you must for your own sanity declutter your mind so you can free yourself. I'm not saying don't take some time to grieve for your situation. What I am saying is, after some time free your mind so that you can move on in life. 

So how can you do this? There are various strategies. What I have found best is to be yourself and do what's best for you and what works for you. So what works for me? Getting outside and travelling is something I have really enjoyed and I love road trips. Obviously it's better with good company but I will take any chance to get on the road and travel....Paying it forward I think describes me as a person. Mainly because it's nice to be important but it's important to be nice. Making people happy brings me happiness and that is not a bad thing....No one would ever say that I am angelic and so this next one for me has always been the best....Swearing it off!!Whereas not appropriate in all situations it does help relieve the stress and blow off some stream. And finally, falling into a good book. To seep into a good book and lose yourself is cathartic. I've often found myself going back to this and for me it allows some escape if only for a little while.....

Decluttering is important....Remember mind, body and soul. 

Being mindful

 It's easy to just go along and be on "autopilot" and it's easy to fall into bad habits, to not attend your wants/needs and to not be present on a daily basis. The consequences of not being mindful can be costly and can result in you missing out in life and all it has to offer. Earlier in life this was me. I was not mindful and I put things off and took things for granted. Nowadays I am more mindful, not only about myself but also of those that surround me. 

To practice the art of mindfulness involves you actively and thoughtfully being present and paying attention in life. These days I try as much as I can to be mindful of not only myself but of others....

The things that I have openly practiced are trying not to be too hard on myself , practicing at staying present, and embracing relaxation. Practicing staying present has been difficult. Turning away from less than ideal situations or running when life hands you lemons is difficult. Recently I had a moment. A moment that turned my world upside down. I went from knowing my future to darkness. I wanted nothing more than to run from the pain. However, with time I found a way through.....Through it I found something in myself, a resilience that was present. On a daily basis the pain, although still present becomes less and less. Eventually it will become a distant memory.........

Creating the "No" list

 This for me was the most difficult. The "No" list for me had two aspects; work and personal.

 The work one was the easiest. It involved me saying "No" to things that I would normally have had to sacrifice something in my personal life for. Saying "Yes" and making accomodations takes a toll on you and after a while you resent that fact that people come to you about things and you are often left questioning "why me all the time ?". For me it took a change in the way I thought. I physically and mentally had to shift and make myself unavailable. It also took some effort and self discipline. What I will say is that I am much better today with this than I was 10 or even 2 years ago. The hardest thing was people in my direct work area getting used to hearing the word "No" come out of my mouth because it was something they were not use to. Normally I would stay up late, stay back at work late or just sacrifice a weekend to do a favor for someone or meet an unexpected timeline. So when the words "No" finally came out of my mouth it was difficult for some people to accept. Over time, all has been forgiven and people now respect my "No" boundary. It did take some retraining both on my part and of others part in my direct area. I am still a go to person but people have learnt to respect that when I am not available I am not available.

The second was my personal life. This is what I struggled with. I thought to be accepted that I had to go with the flow. To accept a crappy comment or to be treated second best due to a fear that I would be rejected. I focussed a lot of time into the area and still do. I still have to catch myself sometimes as I have a tendency to regress which is not healthy. What the word "No" gave me was very defined boundaries. These boundaries were not to be crossed as these were my threshold. These, when crossed and I kept quiet about them left me feeling empty and lonely inside even if I was with someone. I feel that the word "No" was more than that. It gave me confidence again and also let people know that I did matter. Now, I am by no means perfect at saying "No" all the time, but I am better at it and it has allowed me to walk away from unhealthy relationships because the people that did not respect these boundaries were not worth the angst felt because they were not considerate of others......

Make the change that is needed

 I have read a bunch about not making big life decisions in the midst of adversity. I've got to admit that I have not abided by this as sometimes it's way easier to move along than stay around for the epitaph. I think being able to move, refresh and restart is somewhat cleansing as it does not allow ghosts of the past to reemerge. For me the restart and reset is important as it allows a new perspective to be obtained and also new horizons and new adventures. Right now with so many unknowns and rhetoric about the pandemic I think what resonates with me is the "one life" and live it the best you can. I am not going to wait around for the shoe to drop or worse still get sick during the pandemic. I think that waiting around for life to come to you is sad and misguided just like living with regrets about what you haven't or didn't do in life. My point is that when change is needed then don't ignore it. Change, bend and be open to it.......

"Change will not come if we wiat for some other person or some other time. We are the ones that we have been waiting for. We are the change that we seek"  Barack Obama

Living your best life

 Self care is important and I have to admit I am the worst at it. For instance when I was working overnights I had a terrible diet and even worse lifestyle. I would drink several liters of coke a day and eat the worst takeout. Needless to say I became overweight. Since then, at times, I have tried sporadically to attempt a healthier lifestyle only to sink back into my old ways when I was back on clinics working 16 hour days. Being a bachelor and not having the usual support structure has been and is challenging. I have learnt over time that no one can do it a part from you and you have to want to live your best life. So nowadays I take the time. Time to exercise and time to destress at the end of the day. Even if I find myself too tired to do it I still make the time and in all honesty I feel better for doing so.  I am never going to be perfect but hope that with time I can live my best life..........

So the next few posts are about the best life.........

Carving out a little solitude can make a world of difference. Solitude is the soul's holiday, an opportunity to stop doing for others and to take some time for ourselves instead. When you are hungry you pay attention to it and eat. The same holds true for solitude. When I am craving solitude chances are my emotional well is running or has run dry. So creating an island of solitude for even 30 minutes a day allows me to rejuvenate and rest the balance in my life.

So take the time. Be selfish........

Will Shakespeare once wrote  "Our bodies are our garden to which our wills are gardeners" 

Now this is a real favorite song of mine......

Travelling

I look forward to the day I can travel again. There is a freedom associated with it and it is, as I see it, something that gives me great joy, fantastic stories, memories and irreplaceable learnings that open your mind to all things new. When I was growing up, my family every school holiday, would load up the car and we would take a road trip. Without fail it was a thing. There was something to it. It was never rushed and we always stopped to sightsee. As I grew older, I realized that there was so much more to travel. Besides automobiles there were planes. I took my first international trip at 12 to New Zealand. This was followed by a second international trip at 16. That was it, I had the travel bug. So many places to explore and I couldn't wait to broaden my own horizons by travelling more. So whatever your reasons for travel, whether its to explore and learn about a new culture, or try a new cuisine, to relax or escape reality, go and do it. 

Next year I intend to embark on an ambitious travel plan; It will start in January when I need to renew my passport. I have several smaller trips planned, both road trips and trips to other states for various reasons and then 2 international trips. The first to South Africa which is a bucket list trip and the second to Australia in the summer provided the travel restrictions are lifted. My advice to you all is don't wait for life to come and find you, don't wait until it's too late and definately don't wait on someone else. Go do it for you.......

This group is still one of my favorites