It had been some weeks since Dad's surgery. It had gone without a hitch.
Most that don't know about Melanoma, they harvest the malignant cells and create a vaccine with them to be used against it as a form of chemotherapy. We were in limbo whilst this was occurring......During that time my mum had to rush to Japan for my sister. She had been trying to get pregnant for a long time without success. We soon discovered why.......She had a uterine mass......"Shit could life get any better ?????" Whilst mum was away mum had asked if I would look in on Dad from time to time........
As usual he was hard to get hold of. Those that new my dad knew that he wasn't the most talkative and hated the phone..........When I finally got hold of him he seemed preoccupied.......He was aloof but pleasant. We talk about everything and nothing all at once. His beloved Saints were losing again..........
He finally broached the subject with me. "I've decided not to get any further treatment and my mind's made up"......He used his stern voice this time and I could tell he was up for a fight if necessary. All I could say was "OK".........
"I can beat this..It won't beat me"....."That's fine dad, I accept it all"
"I don't need it or want it"......"OK"........
I knew he would do this. It was me he had to convince not mum. I was the person that he sought validation for big decisions like this these days. There was no doubt he was a fighter. I had grown up respecting the fact that he would fight for the underdog and wouldn't give up. He had a strong sense of social justice and would not back down. But there was one thing. As I had grown older he sort more and more my approval. We had grown closer in that sense......
I just let him talk.......
When he had finished I simply replied."OK, I accept you have made your decision. That is your right. I thought you would do this and that's fine. Now here is my decision, and I speak for mum as well as the rest of the family............You will become sicker, that's just a given..........There will come a time that you will not be able to take care of yourself, that's a given.......When that day comes, mum will not be able to take care of you and I think it is unfair for you to ask her to. She has been not only your wife and partner in life, but your best friend. She has stood by you throughout the marriage and this disease. In all honesty dad I expected this.........So here is my decision....................When that day comes you will be admitted to a palliative care unit to be taken care of by professionals.........No questions asked and I will be responsible for that decision..........."
The phone was silent for what seemed like an eternity. All that was going through my mind was"You fuckwit!!!!!!!.......You have destroyed him"............I think that day was the day that I broke his heart and he never forgave me..........
All he said was "Okay" .....and we went on talking for a few minutes before we said our goodbyes and he hung up...........
He did not answer the phone to me for the next week............
Friday, 27 January 2012
Saturday, 21 January 2012
First diagnosis(3)
I remember when the news came through. I had been living in Melbourne for four years and was over it, another story for another time.
When the phone call came it was my mum who spoke first. She was very casual about everything and told me without breaking for a breath. I could tell she was worried and dad was next to her. "The cancer's back Stu. It's in his lymph node. Your dad goes in for surgery next week to remove it and the local node. I'll put your dad on."........It took every fibre of his being to be upbeat.....He knew. His voice almost broke a few times and I could hear the pain in it as he tried to be upbeat. "I'll be fine son. This is not going to beat me." My voice choked up and I fought with every fibre of my being not to cry then and there. All I could think of was...."He's about to become another statistic. We spoke for another few minutes about the dogs and of course rugby.......It was something that we could always turn to when the conversation got to hard, sport and the dogs........His final words to me were. "I'll put your mother back on......Don't worry I'll be fine......"
When mum came back on she almost sounded relieved. Relieved that she could share the burden and could talk to someone about it. I couldn't and didn't say allot to her about it. I was shell shocked but I shouldn't of been.......I knew what was coming and I knew what I had to do..........It wasn't about me. It was all about the family and keeping it together.....
I needed time to myself. Time to digest what I had just heard. Time to come up with a plan.........I couldn't talk with anyone about it.......They just wouldn't understand........
When the phone call came it was my mum who spoke first. She was very casual about everything and told me without breaking for a breath. I could tell she was worried and dad was next to her. "The cancer's back Stu. It's in his lymph node. Your dad goes in for surgery next week to remove it and the local node. I'll put your dad on."........It took every fibre of his being to be upbeat.....He knew. His voice almost broke a few times and I could hear the pain in it as he tried to be upbeat. "I'll be fine son. This is not going to beat me." My voice choked up and I fought with every fibre of my being not to cry then and there. All I could think of was...."He's about to become another statistic. We spoke for another few minutes about the dogs and of course rugby.......It was something that we could always turn to when the conversation got to hard, sport and the dogs........His final words to me were. "I'll put your mother back on......Don't worry I'll be fine......"
When mum came back on she almost sounded relieved. Relieved that she could share the burden and could talk to someone about it. I couldn't and didn't say allot to her about it. I was shell shocked but I shouldn't of been.......I knew what was coming and I knew what I had to do..........It wasn't about me. It was all about the family and keeping it together.....
I needed time to myself. Time to digest what I had just heard. Time to come up with a plan.........I couldn't talk with anyone about it.......They just wouldn't understand........
Tuesday, 17 January 2012
First diagnosis(2)
When the news came that the lymph node was clear, to say it was a relief was an underestimate. I think I just sat and cried. What came next was worse. It was like dad had been hit by a train. He thought that this could never happen to him and he finally realised that he was not invincible after all.
I remember the doctor sitting down with him and going through the battery of tests that was going to occur every three months for the next 5 years, and that there was a strong likelihood given the nature of the cancer that he wouldn't see this time through.
I thought the initial diagnosis was bad but knowing that you would be dead within 5 years was "SHIT." Still to give the old boy his credit he got on with things after his sutures came out. Unbeknownst to me, and after his death I found several scribblings of a man struggling with it all, looking for possible treatments no matter how bizarre, like the half a raw onion each day and a possible cancer cure............
I think for me that was the hardest thing to realise, that he thought he was alone during it all. Even though he had close support around him he internalised it all because he was just that type of guy........He came from a family where the man of the house was its strength no matter what. Also I think because he had lost his father at 13 and then had become the man of the house, going to work soon after had contributed to his failure to communicate..............
The tests were never ending and as soon as he would finish one round another round would begin. His life was now ruled by the cancer even though there was no sign of it..............It was just a matter of time 'tic toc tic toc'
I remember the doctor sitting down with him and going through the battery of tests that was going to occur every three months for the next 5 years, and that there was a strong likelihood given the nature of the cancer that he wouldn't see this time through.
I thought the initial diagnosis was bad but knowing that you would be dead within 5 years was "SHIT." Still to give the old boy his credit he got on with things after his sutures came out. Unbeknownst to me, and after his death I found several scribblings of a man struggling with it all, looking for possible treatments no matter how bizarre, like the half a raw onion each day and a possible cancer cure............
I think for me that was the hardest thing to realise, that he thought he was alone during it all. Even though he had close support around him he internalised it all because he was just that type of guy........He came from a family where the man of the house was its strength no matter what. Also I think because he had lost his father at 13 and then had become the man of the house, going to work soon after had contributed to his failure to communicate..............
The tests were never ending and as soon as he would finish one round another round would begin. His life was now ruled by the cancer even though there was no sign of it..............It was just a matter of time 'tic toc tic toc'
Monday, 16 January 2012
First diagnosis
I always remember when my dad first got sick. I had just graduated and was driving home from Brisbane on my way to Melbourne. Mum was worried. As most males, my father was one of those guys that would rather self medicate than see a doctor.
I remember mum speaking to me the morning I arrived home. I recall her saying that dad had developed a mole on his back that was now ulcerated and bleeding. He had first noted it a few weeks ago and had just left it. I've got to admit when she first told me I wasn't too worried. Like all mothers mine was overprotective and sometimes embellished the truth. I was wrong........I saw some blood on his shirt later that day and asked him could I see the lesion. When I looked at it I knew straight away. I think he knew as well. He wouldn't look me in the eye. Instead he said "it'll be alright, I got a scratch and it seems to be healing". I just looked at him and said "Well let's just go see the doc just to make sure". I left for Melbourne that afternoon and he had an appointment that day. I remember talking to mum on the phone that night. All she could say was "Thanks. He listens to you." Needless to say they biopsied that day. I had been in Melbourne 2 days when I got the news. "Cancer, what's worse Melanoma". All i remember was the word cancer, nothing more. I just sat there stunned.......I couldn't believe it. You never like to think someone in your family gets sick or for that matter could have cancer, let alone this one..........He went for surgery to remove the cancer and biopsy the local lymph node 2 days later...............
I remember mum speaking to me the morning I arrived home. I recall her saying that dad had developed a mole on his back that was now ulcerated and bleeding. He had first noted it a few weeks ago and had just left it. I've got to admit when she first told me I wasn't too worried. Like all mothers mine was overprotective and sometimes embellished the truth. I was wrong........I saw some blood on his shirt later that day and asked him could I see the lesion. When I looked at it I knew straight away. I think he knew as well. He wouldn't look me in the eye. Instead he said "it'll be alright, I got a scratch and it seems to be healing". I just looked at him and said "Well let's just go see the doc just to make sure". I left for Melbourne that afternoon and he had an appointment that day. I remember talking to mum on the phone that night. All she could say was "Thanks. He listens to you." Needless to say they biopsied that day. I had been in Melbourne 2 days when I got the news. "Cancer, what's worse Melanoma". All i remember was the word cancer, nothing more. I just sat there stunned.......I couldn't believe it. You never like to think someone in your family gets sick or for that matter could have cancer, let alone this one..........He went for surgery to remove the cancer and biopsy the local lymph node 2 days later...............
Sunday, 15 January 2012
Friends to me are one of the most important parts of my life. I think that I have great friends who do not judge but listen, who are not false but are there when they are needed, and are always willing to lend a hand. I don't think I'm the easiest person to get along with and I have faults, as does everyone. I guess I have friends across the country and for that matter the world and I think that I have been lucky in life to have met these people.
I also think that my oldest friends have not only stood the test of time but they have seen me at my very best and my very worst.
My point, if you have good friends in life, you have everything you need in life not only to survive but also prosper.
C.S. Lewis once wrote Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art....It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.
In the last few months when I have needed my friends, not to judge or fight, but simply be there, they have been. Some new friendships have been forged over this time and some old ones have been lost. In the coming months I know I can count on them, because that's what makes them friends.
I also think that my oldest friends have not only stood the test of time but they have seen me at my very best and my very worst.
My point, if you have good friends in life, you have everything you need in life not only to survive but also prosper.
C.S. Lewis once wrote Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art....It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.
In the last few months when I have needed my friends, not to judge or fight, but simply be there, they have been. Some new friendships have been forged over this time and some old ones have been lost. In the coming months I know I can count on them, because that's what makes them friends.
Saturday, 7 January 2012
Opportunity
I can't remember a time when I didn't want to be a vet. My mum always tells a story that when I was little there was a Clydesdale that use to be in a paddock nearby. I use to stare at that horse and try to get to see it once a day. One day a man walking by said " I see you here everyday with your mum. What's so interesting about the horse ?" Bare in mind that I cannot remember anything but my mum tells this story with great relish ! I replied "His feet" The man looked at me with a puzzled look on his face and said "What about his feet ?" My reply, " He must have to have really big shoes to wear."
I think people have calling's in there life. I think that if you find something you love then you do what you love and are passionate about.
I have always known that I wanted to be a vet and was and have been willing to do whatever it took to not only become a vet but be the best that I could be. Simply, it was not enough for me to just be an okay vet. I needed to be the best that I could be at my chosen craft whatever the consequences.
Hippocrates once wrote "Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes a matter of opportunity"
I think people have calling's in there life. I think that if you find something you love then you do what you love and are passionate about.
I have always known that I wanted to be a vet and was and have been willing to do whatever it took to not only become a vet but be the best that I could be. Simply, it was not enough for me to just be an okay vet. I needed to be the best that I could be at my chosen craft whatever the consequences.
I remember the first time that I applied for vet school. I had just turned 18 and it was the January after school had finished, marks were due out, and university positions were about to be announced. My results came in the mail and I was short. I new when I looked at the marks that this would not be happening. At that stage I thought all my world had ended and that I would never get to be a vet.
My mum offered me the best advice: "If it's meant to be it will happen. You just have to work hard and be patient ....." It took me another four years to get an offer for vet school.....
I still remember that day as well. I had just graduated Ag Science and was home for the holidays. In those days you had to ring a hotline for your offers.
I was asleep at the time, hungover as usual after another early morning drinking session with old friends. All I remembered was my mum running through the family home and at the top of her lungs crying out "He's in! He's bloody in". Now if you spoke with my mum she would say that she would never use such language. I however, remember this vividly. I asked mum later after the haze of sleep had cleared and the news had finally sunk in after the fourth phone call to the hotline. "What would you have done if i didn't make it?" Her response " I would of just hung up and let you sleep".......
I would like to think that I am good at what I do. However, I do not want to become complacent and think I will always be a student of veterinary science in some way, shape or form, and for that matter life as well. The reason is that everyone can teach you something new in this profession be it vet, nurse, receptionist, cleaner......They all have something to offer, whether it just be a kind word or old forgotten technique they had once seen..........Hippocrates once wrote "Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes a matter of opportunity"
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