First Diagnosis(4)

It had been some weeks since Dad's surgery. It had gone without a hitch.

Most that don't know about Melanoma, they harvest the malignant cells and create a vaccine with them to be used against it as a form of chemotherapy. We were in limbo whilst this was occurring......During that time my mum had to rush to Japan for my sister. She had been trying to get pregnant for a long time without success. We soon discovered why.......She had a uterine mass......"Shit could life get any better ?????" Whilst mum was away mum had asked if I would look in on Dad from time to time........

As usual he was hard to get hold of. Those that new my dad knew that he wasn't the most talkative and hated the phone..........When I finally got hold of him he seemed preoccupied.......He was aloof but  pleasant. We talk about everything and nothing all at once. His beloved Saints were losing again..........
He finally broached the subject with me. "I've decided not to get any further treatment and my mind's made up"......He used his stern voice this time and I could tell he was up for a fight if necessary. All I could say was "OK".........

"I can beat this..It won't beat me"....."That's fine dad, I accept it all"

"I don't need it or want it"......"OK"........

I knew he would do this. It was me he had to convince not mum. I was the person that he sought validation for big decisions like this these days. There was no doubt he was a fighter. I had grown up respecting the fact that he would fight for the underdog and wouldn't give up. He had a strong sense of social justice and would not back down. But there was one thing. As I had grown older he sort more and more my approval. We had grown closer in that sense......

I just let him talk.......

When he had finished I simply replied."OK, I accept you have made your decision. That is your right. I thought you would do this and that's fine. Now here is my decision, and I speak for mum as well as the rest of the family............You will become sicker, that's just a given..........There will come a time that you will not be able to take care of yourself, that's a given.......When that day comes, mum will not be able to take care of you and I think it is unfair for you to ask her to. She has been not only your wife and partner in life, but your best friend. She has stood by you throughout the marriage and this disease. In all honesty dad I expected this.........So here is my decision....................When that day comes you will be admitted to a palliative care unit to be taken care of by professionals.........No questions asked and I will be responsible for that decision..........."

The phone was silent for what seemed like an eternity. All that was going through my mind was"You fuckwit!!!!!!!.......You have destroyed him"............I think that day was the day that I broke his heart and he never forgave me..........

All he said was "Okay" .....and we went on talking for a few minutes before we said our goodbyes and he hung up...........
He did not answer the phone to me for the next week............