The final few weeks were a blur. They consisted of me working, flying, and being at home. I can't say it didn't do my head in. All the while I had to be the strong one. Mum turned to me for big decisions, and all the while dad faded away. I remember the last time I spoke with him. It was a Sunday afternoon. I had driven to the hospital to say goodbye before I returned to Brisbane. He seemed okay. Mum had just finished trimming his nails and made one bleed and he was pissed. He smiled when he saw me but then rested his head again on the pillow.
He had deteriorated alot in the last week. Now he wore a diaper and had a urinary catheter in place. He was confined to bed and was on a constant rate of Midazolam and Fentanyl as a CRI as his seizures had become more frequent and pain had been harder to control.
All I wanted to do was grab the soccer ball like we use to do and go to the park for a kick of the football, just one last time. He had taught me how to value life. He showed me how to stand up for myself and always back myself. He taught me humility and how to stand by my mates. He was street smart and respected.........
I remember just after he had passed away, a stockbroker said to me " You are a very rich man"....My reply " I'd give it all back just to have him in my life again."
Mum and I spoke for a while. Time was getting close, I was going to be late if I didn't leave. Just then two of dad's school mates visited.
It was the next thing that happened that has remained with me.....He just started to cry inconsolably. It grew until with every sob you could hear shear genuine pain in his voice..."I'm dying, I thought I could beat it." I don't know if what triggered it. Maybe it was his friends visiting, maybe it was the thought that he wasn't going to see me again or the thought that he was human and he wasn't going to make it.
All I wanted to do was hold him and say it was going to be alright..... I stepped out for some air....I no longer cared about the plane.......
When I returned he was composed. His friends had left and he just looked at me, kind of like he was embarrassed.
I sat down and just talked with him, about nothing in particular. The truth was he didn't want to hear it and I didn't want to speak about it. At the end he grab my shoulder and drew me in close. His voice quivered, fighting back the tears, as he shook my hand and placed his hand around my other shoulder. "Be seeing you son. I'll be here when you get back. Have a good week and take care...."
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