Friday, 24 February 2012

First diagnosis(7)

It was just after Christmas and I was settling in to the new year. New job, new house......It was as if everything was looking up.

Then, there was the phone call....I remember it as if it was like yesterday(Kind of corny I know, but it is something that has and most probably will stick with me forever)......It was my mum. She was not upset, just quiet, and she spoke softly."Stuart, we need to talk.....It's your dad", my heart skipped a beat."Somethings happened". Now it fluttered a little. "Your dad's had a turn." And there it was. Five simple words that hit the mark they were intended for. The perfect bulls eye. The thing I had dreaded finally upon me."I'll put your dad on".
When he came to the phone, it took what seemed like an eternity for him to speak. I did not recognise the man that spoke. His words were garbled, his speech slow and slurred. I had to concentrate to hear what he had to say. I don't even know or remember the content just the way it was delivered. It was all I needed to hear.

When mum came back to the phone I could tell she was fighting the tears back and that dad was standing next to her....All I could do was say"I'm sorry" and "I'll be home tomorrow"...

This was the beginning of the end or perhaps the beginning of the end was when we first discovered the cancer. The bomb had gone off and finally I knew the damage that I was dealing with.

At least it was drawing close to the end..............God I hated myself for thinking and feeling that but he had suffered, mum had suffered.......Fuck !!!! I hate this disease.

I drove home a day later. All the time thinking that, "maybe he would get his miracle. Maybe? It could happen? Right ?"

I arrived home just on 730. I had spent 13 hours in the car and was tired, but still, I had work to do. Planning, I just couldn't stop. My mind couldn't stop. I thought about all the scenarios, pain, seizures, palliation, hospital, the inevitable funeral, how much time off work/relationship. Preparations for mum. The house!! Oh god the house......It was run down and the trees and grass overgrown. It was showing it's age like it's occupants. "Where to start ?"

First things first! Dad. I found him in bed. He looked frail and old and struggled to sit up or for that matter interact at all. The bedroom smelt musty...........I sat next to him on the bed and stroked his head......"Hey old man"...He looked up and smiled at me.......It had beaten him. Who am I kidding. It was always going to beat him."Can I get you anything ?" He squeezed out a "No" on the end of a long breath......."Alright, I'll let you rest."

Mum and I sat in the sun room away from their bedroom. She had moved bedrooms to give him some peace and quiet.....Tears welled up in her eyes. "I don't know what to do ?"
"Has he seen the doctor ?"
"Yes"
"So what drugs is he on ?"
"Nurofen. I'm not happy about it. I contacted a palliative care doctor. He's one of the best. His book is full but because I nursed he will see us tomorrow" She looked at me hoping, knowing that I would be chauffeuring them around until the end........
"Okay, well that's the first thing. I won't have him in pain mum....He can't be in any pain......"

No comments:

Post a Comment