Well, I'm closer to 40 than I am to thirty.....I don't feel it. I really haven't had a chance to sit down today and even think about where the last year went or how the years are seeming to go faster the older i get.
Thanks for all the birthday wishes... They are very welcome when I am so far away from home especially when I am missing home and friends from home.
The most ridiculous part about having a birthday in a strange place is that it really doesn't feel like your birthday. It feels like every other day, especially if you don't take time to yourself that day.
I still am growing old disgracefully. I still don't know when to yield and have a warped sense of humour when it comes to life. I have curtailed my drinking habits somewhat and really won't have a chance to go out and celebrate my birthday until next week as I am on back up for the week and am working emergency on the weekend.
Birthday's should not only be about reflection and celebration but should be about the future. What are you going to do different in your life next year to improve the quality and enjoy it more getting the most out of it all.
In truth the answer for me is simple.....All I want to do is take every opportunity that I am given and turn it into something that makes a mark on my life and others in my life. I think if I can turn around next year at this time and look back on what I have done and smile, then, I will be satisfied. The worst thing that I could do would be to lock myself away, immerse myself into work and then moan and groan about missed opportunities............
My dad always use to say to me " Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry alone"
I have always liked this quote ...
"You've gotta dance like there's nobody watching,
Love like you'll never be hurt, Sing like there's nobody listening, And live like it's heaven on earth.
~ William W. Purkey
Thanks for your birthday wishes.............
Thursday, 16 August 2012
Sunday, 12 August 2012
Personality......
It's hard to believe I've been here in the US for 5 weeks. One month at the job already, and one round of students down. It's going so fast. The year's roster has been done and my holidays have been set in stone. Seems a lifetime ago that I was in Australia, working at VSS and had my future set in front of me.
It hit me yesterday that I was in America for the next 3 years. I guess I have just taken it as it comes but as my birthday has gotten closer my attention has turned to friends and family. I think it's hard especially around big events like birthdays and holidays like Christmas, because you miss the ones you love that have been influential on you and your life.
On the flip side, I wouldn't trade what I am doing for the world.
I was told the other week by a friend that Australia was just another American state. Categorically, I can say that this is just not so. We drive on the other side of the road, have 9 TV stations, and do not have drive through banks, coffee or smoothie Kings. There are so many things that make where we all come from unique and Australia is a country with it's own unique personality and personalities.
My point is that home is where your heart is. No matter what, I am Australian and more than that I am a Novocastrian. Born and bred there and proud of it. I follow the Blues and the TAH's and neither living in Brisbane or for that matter Louisiana will ever change that. When travelling and living in another country it is important to keep your identity even if you don't want to stand out Your accent and sayings are unique. For me I am laid back, speak Aussie slang, and some may say speak to much. But, you know, that's what makes me who I am.............
"Why am I as I am? To understand that of any person, his whole life, from
Birth must be reviewed. All of our experiences fuse into our personality. Everything that ever happened to us is an ingredient"
Malcolm X
It hit me yesterday that I was in America for the next 3 years. I guess I have just taken it as it comes but as my birthday has gotten closer my attention has turned to friends and family. I think it's hard especially around big events like birthdays and holidays like Christmas, because you miss the ones you love that have been influential on you and your life.
On the flip side, I wouldn't trade what I am doing for the world.
I was told the other week by a friend that Australia was just another American state. Categorically, I can say that this is just not so. We drive on the other side of the road, have 9 TV stations, and do not have drive through banks, coffee or smoothie Kings. There are so many things that make where we all come from unique and Australia is a country with it's own unique personality and personalities.
My point is that home is where your heart is. No matter what, I am Australian and more than that I am a Novocastrian. Born and bred there and proud of it. I follow the Blues and the TAH's and neither living in Brisbane or for that matter Louisiana will ever change that. When travelling and living in another country it is important to keep your identity even if you don't want to stand out Your accent and sayings are unique. For me I am laid back, speak Aussie slang, and some may say speak to much. But, you know, that's what makes me who I am.............
"Why am I as I am? To understand that of any person, his whole life, from
Birth must be reviewed. All of our experiences fuse into our personality. Everything that ever happened to us is an ingredient"
Malcolm X
Saturday, 4 August 2012
New things........
I've been living in America for nearly a month!! I can't believe how lucky I have been to get an opportunity to do this!!
It's been a real change in my life. It's not just a time zone when you move. Your whole world, that you use to know and be comfortable in, is changed. Mine is very much for the better.......
The job; To say awesome, is an understatement!! I guess I have experienced private referral and now am being challenged by university referral work. The challenges are very much different as is the focus.
Fortunately the cases stay the same.......
The teaching is something that has me hooked!! And the learning and steep learning curve is ridiculous....
But somehow I find myself motivated after 4 years of doing a residency because the focus has changed. The students are what drive a university. Their attitudes are the ones you rely on to enjoy your work.........
As for Baton Rouge.....Most amount of food and eateries I have ever seen.... From Jimmy Johns to Five brothers, to drive through Smoothies at Smoothie king and who could forget Drive through Community Coffee and Starbucks.......Get out of town.
And just when you think you've seen it all then you experience Canes.......This is the craziest story which I was told whilst doing drive through at Canes in a mini bus with the other residents at orientation......
The founder Todd Graves was enrolled in a Business course at LSU. So Graves writes a business plan about establishing a restaurant chain.....No one bought the idea. In fact, everyone thought it would not succeed. So Graves raised the money for his first restaurant by working in oil refineries and then on fishing boats. From that one restaurant came more than 100 restaurants in 15 states.
Here's the kicker.....His idea was simple sell chicken fingers!!!!!!
I've been told there is also a way to eat Canes.....You have to open the lid when you get it so it does not get soggy........Food eating as an art............
My point is that this has been the best move for me in more ways than one. I love what I do and I love walking into the university each day.......
Henry Miller once wrote " A new world is not made by simply by trying to forget the old. A new world is made with a new spirit, with new values. Our world may have begun that way, but today it is a caricature. Our world is a world of things. What we dread most, in the face of the impending debacle, is that we shall be obliged to give up our gewgaws, our gadgets, all the little comforts that have made us so uncomfortable. We are not peaceful souls; we are smug, timid, queasy and quaky...."
What I take out of this is don't be afraid of trying to better yourself no matter what the cost. For me this was a real leap of faith. There is nothing wrong with wanting to improve yourself through changing the world you live in and your immeidate environment. But, never forget where you came from or the friends you have made in that world..........
It's been a real change in my life. It's not just a time zone when you move. Your whole world, that you use to know and be comfortable in, is changed. Mine is very much for the better.......
The job; To say awesome, is an understatement!! I guess I have experienced private referral and now am being challenged by university referral work. The challenges are very much different as is the focus.
Fortunately the cases stay the same.......
The teaching is something that has me hooked!! And the learning and steep learning curve is ridiculous....
But somehow I find myself motivated after 4 years of doing a residency because the focus has changed. The students are what drive a university. Their attitudes are the ones you rely on to enjoy your work.........
As for Baton Rouge.....Most amount of food and eateries I have ever seen.... From Jimmy Johns to Five brothers, to drive through Smoothies at Smoothie king and who could forget Drive through Community Coffee and Starbucks.......Get out of town.
And just when you think you've seen it all then you experience Canes.......This is the craziest story which I was told whilst doing drive through at Canes in a mini bus with the other residents at orientation......
The founder Todd Graves was enrolled in a Business course at LSU. So Graves writes a business plan about establishing a restaurant chain.....No one bought the idea. In fact, everyone thought it would not succeed. So Graves raised the money for his first restaurant by working in oil refineries and then on fishing boats. From that one restaurant came more than 100 restaurants in 15 states.
Here's the kicker.....His idea was simple sell chicken fingers!!!!!!
I've been told there is also a way to eat Canes.....You have to open the lid when you get it so it does not get soggy........Food eating as an art............
My point is that this has been the best move for me in more ways than one. I love what I do and I love walking into the university each day.......
Henry Miller once wrote " A new world is not made by simply by trying to forget the old. A new world is made with a new spirit, with new values. Our world may have begun that way, but today it is a caricature. Our world is a world of things. What we dread most, in the face of the impending debacle, is that we shall be obliged to give up our gewgaws, our gadgets, all the little comforts that have made us so uncomfortable. We are not peaceful souls; we are smug, timid, queasy and quaky...."
What I take out of this is don't be afraid of trying to better yourself no matter what the cost. For me this was a real leap of faith. There is nothing wrong with wanting to improve yourself through changing the world you live in and your immeidate environment. But, never forget where you came from or the friends you have made in that world..........
Sunday, 22 July 2012
I promised myself that I would write it all during this time of my life. I left for the US last sunday and have been here now forjust under a week. There has been somewhat of a culture shock but for the most part it has been a great experience. For what once seemed so out of character for me to do something like this now seems so right. There are however some pitfalls to avaid that I now call LAWS OF MOVING ACROSS THE WORLD:
LAW ONE: NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU PLAN YOU WILL NEVER BE PREPARED. Be prepared to be underprepared and go with it.
LAW TWO: MONEY IS IMPORTANT. Our banks are crap. They go out of there way to find new ways to charge for old services. Work out a budget and then times it by 1.5 because that's the real amount of money you'll need......
LAW THREE: BEING FOREIGN HELPS. I've found myself without social security number and yet have been able to get all utilities, cable, cell phone etc listed into my name. Use your accent and above all be polite and laugh alot........There are so many other things in the world to get you down. This is not one of them.
LAW FOUR: IGNORE THE LITTLE THINGS. There are so many things that will come up as obstacles in the way. My advice roll with it otherwise you are going to just give yourself an ulcer and stop having a good time. Worry about the big things, the little things will usually take care of themselves. And if they don't refer to LAW THREE......
LAW FIVE: FRIENDS ARE IMPORTANT. You are in a foreign country and will often know very few people or no one. If asked out say yes! The worst thing you could do is find yourself sitting around in your apartment feeling lonely. You moved for a reason!! To see the world and experience new things. So do it!!
LAW SIX: OVERPACKING! No matter how mant times you pack, it will never be enough and no matter what you pack it will always never totally be the right thing. It's hard packing for three years and I definately overpacked. So here's my advice on packing. Pack light. Pack for comfort and no more than one bag!!. You are moving for three years and can't pack for that long!!
These are just a few of the laws. There are more but the ones that I found most useful in my move. So I will leave you with this:
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
Mark Twain
LAW ONE: NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU PLAN YOU WILL NEVER BE PREPARED. Be prepared to be underprepared and go with it.
LAW TWO: MONEY IS IMPORTANT. Our banks are crap. They go out of there way to find new ways to charge for old services. Work out a budget and then times it by 1.5 because that's the real amount of money you'll need......
LAW THREE: BEING FOREIGN HELPS. I've found myself without social security number and yet have been able to get all utilities, cable, cell phone etc listed into my name. Use your accent and above all be polite and laugh alot........There are so many other things in the world to get you down. This is not one of them.
LAW FOUR: IGNORE THE LITTLE THINGS. There are so many things that will come up as obstacles in the way. My advice roll with it otherwise you are going to just give yourself an ulcer and stop having a good time. Worry about the big things, the little things will usually take care of themselves. And if they don't refer to LAW THREE......
LAW FIVE: FRIENDS ARE IMPORTANT. You are in a foreign country and will often know very few people or no one. If asked out say yes! The worst thing you could do is find yourself sitting around in your apartment feeling lonely. You moved for a reason!! To see the world and experience new things. So do it!!
LAW SIX: OVERPACKING! No matter how mant times you pack, it will never be enough and no matter what you pack it will always never totally be the right thing. It's hard packing for three years and I definately overpacked. So here's my advice on packing. Pack light. Pack for comfort and no more than one bag!!. You are moving for three years and can't pack for that long!!
These are just a few of the laws. There are more but the ones that I found most useful in my move. So I will leave you with this:
"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
Mark Twain
Saturday, 30 June 2012
New Horizons............
I haven't blogged for sometime now. I guess life just happened and alot of time passed.
However, as I am about to embark on what can only be described as a lapse of sanity by some, I thought it would be good to start again and keep on online journal of the next three years.........
The thought of doing this is new, exciting and a little daunting at times, and I guess if I had known what the steps were involved to move across the world i may not have started this journey.
That being said it is one of the best things that I have done. I feel alive again!!!!!! I'd forgotten how much fun it was to get out of your comfort zone and just live like there is no tommorrow.......
Truth is, i should of done this years ago.......There is nothing more invigorating than selling material posessions, packing a bag and starting afresh.............
I have met some amazing people in the journey thus far.......All have a story to tell.....Whether it be my landlord who site, credit check and references unseen agreed to let me rent her apartment.........Crazy.....!!! Or one of my best friends who has taken time out to look at apartments for me, is picking me up from the airport when I arrive and has allowed me to use her car whilst she is at school to get everything sorted when I arrive..........
I really think this is the trip and adventure of a lifetime...........
I found this quote recently...........
"When we get out of the glass bottle of our ego and when we escape like the squirrels in the cage of our personality and get into the forest again, we shall shiver with cold and fright. But things will happen to us so that we don’t know ourselves. Cool, unlying life will rush in."
D.H. Lawrence
However, as I am about to embark on what can only be described as a lapse of sanity by some, I thought it would be good to start again and keep on online journal of the next three years.........
The thought of doing this is new, exciting and a little daunting at times, and I guess if I had known what the steps were involved to move across the world i may not have started this journey.
That being said it is one of the best things that I have done. I feel alive again!!!!!! I'd forgotten how much fun it was to get out of your comfort zone and just live like there is no tommorrow.......
Truth is, i should of done this years ago.......There is nothing more invigorating than selling material posessions, packing a bag and starting afresh.............
I have met some amazing people in the journey thus far.......All have a story to tell.....Whether it be my landlord who site, credit check and references unseen agreed to let me rent her apartment.........Crazy.....!!! Or one of my best friends who has taken time out to look at apartments for me, is picking me up from the airport when I arrive and has allowed me to use her car whilst she is at school to get everything sorted when I arrive..........
I really think this is the trip and adventure of a lifetime...........
I found this quote recently...........
"When we get out of the glass bottle of our ego and when we escape like the squirrels in the cage of our personality and get into the forest again, we shall shiver with cold and fright. But things will happen to us so that we don’t know ourselves. Cool, unlying life will rush in."
D.H. Lawrence
Thursday, 31 May 2012
Leaving......
No matter how much you prepare for it, leaving is the hardest thing. For me there are two reasons;
The first is that I have essentially grown up with the people I practice with. I first met them as a student and have since then been privileged enough to have, not only worked with them and call them colleagues, but also call them friends.
The second is that I am closing a door. One year ago this evening, I separated from my then partner. I thought at the time my world as I knew it had ended. I was right. It had. I also thought that I had made a terrible mistake and that I had done this. I had pushed her into another mans arms by lavishing her with presents and not my presence.
The truth, I was wrong!
Yes, my world as I had known it for the past 11 years had ended. I no longer had to tip toe around, apologise for having an opinion or apologise for being dedicated to something I truly love doing.
In all honesty when the smoke had cleared I felt a sense of relief. I had sacrificed too much of myself. I had somewhere along the line lost my identity and willingness to just breathe!
12 months on and what I have learnt is simple. Be yourself!
If people cannot accept you for the way you are then don't apologise for it. Simply close that door and move on. If they are true friends they will understand you and accept you for who you are.
When leaving, I did not want a big fan fare. The truth for me is, it's just been too hard on both a professional and personal level.
I have had my ups and downs with the job but can honestly say that I have loved the people that I have worked with and the job that I have done. But this chapter of my life has closed and to move forward you can never look back.
Not many people can say that they truly love what they do in life. I can!
A friend recently asked me, " Would you do it all again ?"
My response "In a heartbeat."
Because, even though I lost something and someone quiet dear to me, I gained my identity back and am now opening a new chapter in my life.
I'll leave you with two things that I am fond of.
The first is a poem that has always been a favourite of mine:
The first is that I have essentially grown up with the people I practice with. I first met them as a student and have since then been privileged enough to have, not only worked with them and call them colleagues, but also call them friends.
The second is that I am closing a door. One year ago this evening, I separated from my then partner. I thought at the time my world as I knew it had ended. I was right. It had. I also thought that I had made a terrible mistake and that I had done this. I had pushed her into another mans arms by lavishing her with presents and not my presence.
The truth, I was wrong!
Yes, my world as I had known it for the past 11 years had ended. I no longer had to tip toe around, apologise for having an opinion or apologise for being dedicated to something I truly love doing.
In all honesty when the smoke had cleared I felt a sense of relief. I had sacrificed too much of myself. I had somewhere along the line lost my identity and willingness to just breathe!
12 months on and what I have learnt is simple. Be yourself!
If people cannot accept you for the way you are then don't apologise for it. Simply close that door and move on. If they are true friends they will understand you and accept you for who you are.
When leaving, I did not want a big fan fare. The truth for me is, it's just been too hard on both a professional and personal level.
I have had my ups and downs with the job but can honestly say that I have loved the people that I have worked with and the job that I have done. But this chapter of my life has closed and to move forward you can never look back.
Not many people can say that they truly love what they do in life. I can!
A friend recently asked me, " Would you do it all again ?"
My response "In a heartbeat."
Because, even though I lost something and someone quiet dear to me, I gained my identity back and am now opening a new chapter in my life.
I'll leave you with two things that I am fond of.
No One Clapped
Fueled
by a million
man-made
wings of fire --
the rocket tore a tunnel
through the sky --
and everybody cheered.
by a million
man-made
wings of fire --
the rocket tore a tunnel
through the sky --
and everybody cheered.
Fueled
only by a thought from God --
the seedling
urged its way
through the thickness of black --
and as it pierced
the heavy ceiling of the soil ...
and launched itself
up into outer space
no one even clapped.
only by a thought from God --
the seedling
urged its way
through the thickness of black --
and as it pierced
the heavy ceiling of the soil ...
and launched itself
up into outer space
no one even clapped.
Marcie Hans
The second is an old Chinese proverb that a friend gave me
'I dreamed a thousand paths, I woke and walked my own'
Tuesday, 29 May 2012
I remember my first day as a vet. I was nervous as all hell. I had been prepped for the last 5 years to do it. But a lecture theatre gives you only the theory not the feel, passion, practical skills or for that matter confidence to be a veterinarian.
My first consult, to say it was underwhelming was an understatement. University slants reality. At university you have the perfect world. Willing clients, endless amounts of money and all the equipment in the world. It's like you are in a toy shop and someone tells you that you have an endless budget........
However, reality soon kicks in when you graduate. You soon realise that you have to have a plan A,B,C and when that doesn't work a broad spectrum antibiotics and anti inflammatory usually suffices.
For me I count myself very lucky. I get to do something that I love and have always wanted to do.
The average person has seven careers in a lifetime with the average male earning $73000 /year. I have asked vets before whether or not they would do it again if they had the opportunity to do it all again.....??
I don't even have to think about it.......For me it's a resounding 'YES'............
Alot of people have had their two cents worth as to my career......"You can't work all the time, you have to have some other interests etcetcetc."
To them I say the following:
Don't judge me as I do not judge you. If you took the time, you may understand that I do what I do, not because I have to but because I want to. I love the fact that when I get up each day I get to do something that i love with people that care about what they do and I get on with.........Life has worked out for me just fine and will continue to do so.........
I remember listening to a colleague of mine speak once with regards to being a vet but I really think that it can be applied to any career....
'Love what you do.....If you do not love or enjoy it and it is affecting you....Find a new job....If you do not enjoy that job, find a different field in your chosen industry......If you do not enjoy that and you are being affected adversely by it, then change careers.....Life's too short.'
I'll leave you with this:
Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody's watching.
Anon.
My first consult, to say it was underwhelming was an understatement. University slants reality. At university you have the perfect world. Willing clients, endless amounts of money and all the equipment in the world. It's like you are in a toy shop and someone tells you that you have an endless budget........
However, reality soon kicks in when you graduate. You soon realise that you have to have a plan A,B,C and when that doesn't work a broad spectrum antibiotics and anti inflammatory usually suffices.
For me I count myself very lucky. I get to do something that I love and have always wanted to do.
The average person has seven careers in a lifetime with the average male earning $73000 /year. I have asked vets before whether or not they would do it again if they had the opportunity to do it all again.....??
I don't even have to think about it.......For me it's a resounding 'YES'............
Alot of people have had their two cents worth as to my career......"You can't work all the time, you have to have some other interests etcetcetc."
To them I say the following:
Don't judge me as I do not judge you. If you took the time, you may understand that I do what I do, not because I have to but because I want to. I love the fact that when I get up each day I get to do something that i love with people that care about what they do and I get on with.........Life has worked out for me just fine and will continue to do so.........
I remember listening to a colleague of mine speak once with regards to being a vet but I really think that it can be applied to any career....
'Love what you do.....If you do not love or enjoy it and it is affecting you....Find a new job....If you do not enjoy that job, find a different field in your chosen industry......If you do not enjoy that and you are being affected adversely by it, then change careers.....Life's too short.'
I'll leave you with this:
Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody's watching.
Anon.
Thursday, 5 April 2012
First diagnosis : Last entry
Before I start this entry I would like to say that this has not and was never about me. It was about a diagnosis and the gamete of emotions and events that my family went through in dealing with the diagnosis and the disease. Some of you who have known me for a long time will ask, well, what about your sister ? In all honesty while this was going on she was dealing with her own situation in a foreign country. As for my ex, she was on the periphery of it all......
That day was the last time I spoke with my father.
I was drained both physically and emotionally. I couldn't remember how long I had been doing this for. It felt like an eternity. Dad's illness had taken a tremendous toll on my mum and it was showing. She would forget simple things, she was tired and fragile.
I needed some time. It was early April and I was going to Melbourne for the weekend. It was somewhat work related but also a chance to get away and just breathe again without the pressure and the feeling that all eyes were looking at me to make the decisions in the family. I just needed 5 minutes to myself to regroup.
Friday for me was normal. I took an early flight to Melbourne and spoke with mum early Friday morning. She was quiet and I could tell she had been crying. She seemed distant and I knew something was up but she wouldn't tell me.
The call came early Saturday morning.......It was a blur. All I can remember was that mum was hysterical and her words were both garbled and jumbled. "He's in a coma!! His breathing is rapid and fast. He's dying!!!" I composed myself."I'll see you soon......"
I hopped the first plane home, all the while thinking, "Make it home to be with her when he goes."
Fear and adrenalin had taken over. I made it home by 8 pm. I went straight to the hospital and headed for his room. It was quiet. The TV was softly playing in the background and mum sat on the edge of her seat watching and willing him to breathe.
She looked tired. Her eyes were red and puffy. She had been crying. She looked relieved as I entered. "You didn't have to come." I looked at her, smiled politely and hugged her as she stood to greet me. "Of course I did. You can't go through this alone and i needed to say goodbye." My voice was strong, resolute. I would take some time later to cry. Right now i needed to be there for mum. She sat down again. I moved to dad's head. His breathing was short, sharp and shallow, almost like he was panting....His lips were cracked and with every breath he took he gurgled. Even though there was another bed present in the room we were alone. All that could be heard was the background noise of the TV. The staff had prepared the room today. They knew it was just a matter of time.
I caressed his head and gently kissed him on the forehead. I whispered gently to him, "It's okay to let go."
I sat across the bed from mum and held his hand for what seemed an eternity. Mum squeezed his hand tightly and would not let go.
They had been married for over thirty years. They had been through it all. Lost a child, raised two children, married off my sister, seen the birth of the first grandchild, been supportive of their children in all aspects. And all the while they had stayed together. Their love for each other had changed throughout the years. Now they were two people who couldn't survive and wouldn't and didn't know what to do without each other.
The night nurse would come and check on dad every half an hour.Occasionally she would check his vitals and clean his mouth. All the while mum and i just chatted. We spoke about nothing and everything just to pass the time waiting for the inevitable to happen.
He passed just after midnight on the 6th of April. It's something that I will never forget as it has been burnt into my memory. The reason is that respiratory arrest is long. The body physically fights against the urge to stop breathing. He struggled for a good 10 minutes. The interval between the gasps becoming longer and longer until there was silence. That's when it started.
The cold chill of a woman's cry who was truly in pain. It stunned me. I hugged her tight and could not, nah, would not let go until it subsided. All the while she cried out, "I'm going to be so alone! What am I going to do ??"
I could not cry.........I had cried enough and now was not the time for me to cry. After a long while she stopped and composed herself. I sat her down on the chair, kissed him on the forehead one last time and ran my fingers through his hair. I turned and went to the nurses night station. The male nurse looked over and I nodded at him. He knew.....
I returned to the room and looked at mum. She was packing his clothes. This wasn't what she needed to do. The nurse followed behind me. I went to mum's side and gently took her arm, stood here up and lead her to the door. "It's okay. They'll take care of it now. It's time to go. Have you said goodbye ?" She nodded and I lead her to the door. We walked the hallway slowly my arm around her. She sobbed gently as we walked and as we left and the hospital doors closed behind us we were greeted by the cool air of the night and the smell of rain.
Miss me but let me go.
When I come to the end of the road,
And the sun has set for me,
I want no rites in a gloom filled room,
Why cry for a soul set free.
Miss me a little, but not too long,
And not with your head bowed low,
Remember the love that once we shared,
Miss me but let me go.
For this is a journey we all must make,
And each must do it alone,
It's all part of the Master's plan,
A step on the road to home.
So when you are lonely and sad at heart,
Go to the friends we know,
Bury your sorrows in doing your deeds,
Miss me, but let me go.
Author Unknown.
That day was the last time I spoke with my father.
I was drained both physically and emotionally. I couldn't remember how long I had been doing this for. It felt like an eternity. Dad's illness had taken a tremendous toll on my mum and it was showing. She would forget simple things, she was tired and fragile.
I needed some time. It was early April and I was going to Melbourne for the weekend. It was somewhat work related but also a chance to get away and just breathe again without the pressure and the feeling that all eyes were looking at me to make the decisions in the family. I just needed 5 minutes to myself to regroup.
Friday for me was normal. I took an early flight to Melbourne and spoke with mum early Friday morning. She was quiet and I could tell she had been crying. She seemed distant and I knew something was up but she wouldn't tell me.
The call came early Saturday morning.......It was a blur. All I can remember was that mum was hysterical and her words were both garbled and jumbled. "He's in a coma!! His breathing is rapid and fast. He's dying!!!" I composed myself."I'll see you soon......"
I hopped the first plane home, all the while thinking, "Make it home to be with her when he goes."
Fear and adrenalin had taken over. I made it home by 8 pm. I went straight to the hospital and headed for his room. It was quiet. The TV was softly playing in the background and mum sat on the edge of her seat watching and willing him to breathe.
She looked tired. Her eyes were red and puffy. She had been crying. She looked relieved as I entered. "You didn't have to come." I looked at her, smiled politely and hugged her as she stood to greet me. "Of course I did. You can't go through this alone and i needed to say goodbye." My voice was strong, resolute. I would take some time later to cry. Right now i needed to be there for mum. She sat down again. I moved to dad's head. His breathing was short, sharp and shallow, almost like he was panting....His lips were cracked and with every breath he took he gurgled. Even though there was another bed present in the room we were alone. All that could be heard was the background noise of the TV. The staff had prepared the room today. They knew it was just a matter of time.
I caressed his head and gently kissed him on the forehead. I whispered gently to him, "It's okay to let go."
I sat across the bed from mum and held his hand for what seemed an eternity. Mum squeezed his hand tightly and would not let go.
They had been married for over thirty years. They had been through it all. Lost a child, raised two children, married off my sister, seen the birth of the first grandchild, been supportive of their children in all aspects. And all the while they had stayed together. Their love for each other had changed throughout the years. Now they were two people who couldn't survive and wouldn't and didn't know what to do without each other.
The night nurse would come and check on dad every half an hour.Occasionally she would check his vitals and clean his mouth. All the while mum and i just chatted. We spoke about nothing and everything just to pass the time waiting for the inevitable to happen.
He passed just after midnight on the 6th of April. It's something that I will never forget as it has been burnt into my memory. The reason is that respiratory arrest is long. The body physically fights against the urge to stop breathing. He struggled for a good 10 minutes. The interval between the gasps becoming longer and longer until there was silence. That's when it started.
The cold chill of a woman's cry who was truly in pain. It stunned me. I hugged her tight and could not, nah, would not let go until it subsided. All the while she cried out, "I'm going to be so alone! What am I going to do ??"
I could not cry.........I had cried enough and now was not the time for me to cry. After a long while she stopped and composed herself. I sat her down on the chair, kissed him on the forehead one last time and ran my fingers through his hair. I turned and went to the nurses night station. The male nurse looked over and I nodded at him. He knew.....
I returned to the room and looked at mum. She was packing his clothes. This wasn't what she needed to do. The nurse followed behind me. I went to mum's side and gently took her arm, stood here up and lead her to the door. "It's okay. They'll take care of it now. It's time to go. Have you said goodbye ?" She nodded and I lead her to the door. We walked the hallway slowly my arm around her. She sobbed gently as we walked and as we left and the hospital doors closed behind us we were greeted by the cool air of the night and the smell of rain.
Miss me but let me go.
When I come to the end of the road,
And the sun has set for me,
I want no rites in a gloom filled room,
Why cry for a soul set free.
Miss me a little, but not too long,
And not with your head bowed low,
Remember the love that once we shared,
Miss me but let me go.
For this is a journey we all must make,
And each must do it alone,
It's all part of the Master's plan,
A step on the road to home.
So when you are lonely and sad at heart,
Go to the friends we know,
Bury your sorrows in doing your deeds,
Miss me, but let me go.
Author Unknown.
My mate, my hero, my dad.........Miss you every day.
16/09/1935 - 6/04/2008
Tuesday, 27 March 2012
First diagnosis (10)
The final few weeks were a blur. They consisted of me working, flying, and being at home. I can't say it didn't do my head in. All the while I had to be the strong one. Mum turned to me for big decisions, and all the while dad faded away. I remember the last time I spoke with him. It was a Sunday afternoon. I had driven to the hospital to say goodbye before I returned to Brisbane. He seemed okay. Mum had just finished trimming his nails and made one bleed and he was pissed. He smiled when he saw me but then rested his head again on the pillow.
He had deteriorated alot in the last week. Now he wore a diaper and had a urinary catheter in place. He was confined to bed and was on a constant rate of Midazolam and Fentanyl as a CRI as his seizures had become more frequent and pain had been harder to control.
All I wanted to do was grab the soccer ball like we use to do and go to the park for a kick of the football, just one last time. He had taught me how to value life. He showed me how to stand up for myself and always back myself. He taught me humility and how to stand by my mates. He was street smart and respected.........
I remember just after he had passed away, a stockbroker said to me " You are a very rich man"....My reply " I'd give it all back just to have him in my life again."
Mum and I spoke for a while. Time was getting close, I was going to be late if I didn't leave. Just then two of dad's school mates visited.
It was the next thing that happened that has remained with me.....He just started to cry inconsolably. It grew until with every sob you could hear shear genuine pain in his voice..."I'm dying, I thought I could beat it." I don't know if what triggered it. Maybe it was his friends visiting, maybe it was the thought that he wasn't going to see me again or the thought that he was human and he wasn't going to make it.
All I wanted to do was hold him and say it was going to be alright..... I stepped out for some air....I no longer cared about the plane.......
When I returned he was composed. His friends had left and he just looked at me, kind of like he was embarrassed.
I sat down and just talked with him, about nothing in particular. The truth was he didn't want to hear it and I didn't want to speak about it. At the end he grab my shoulder and drew me in close. His voice quivered, fighting back the tears, as he shook my hand and placed his hand around my other shoulder. "Be seeing you son. I'll be here when you get back. Have a good week and take care...."
He had deteriorated alot in the last week. Now he wore a diaper and had a urinary catheter in place. He was confined to bed and was on a constant rate of Midazolam and Fentanyl as a CRI as his seizures had become more frequent and pain had been harder to control.
All I wanted to do was grab the soccer ball like we use to do and go to the park for a kick of the football, just one last time. He had taught me how to value life. He showed me how to stand up for myself and always back myself. He taught me humility and how to stand by my mates. He was street smart and respected.........
I remember just after he had passed away, a stockbroker said to me " You are a very rich man"....My reply " I'd give it all back just to have him in my life again."
Mum and I spoke for a while. Time was getting close, I was going to be late if I didn't leave. Just then two of dad's school mates visited.
It was the next thing that happened that has remained with me.....He just started to cry inconsolably. It grew until with every sob you could hear shear genuine pain in his voice..."I'm dying, I thought I could beat it." I don't know if what triggered it. Maybe it was his friends visiting, maybe it was the thought that he wasn't going to see me again or the thought that he was human and he wasn't going to make it.
All I wanted to do was hold him and say it was going to be alright..... I stepped out for some air....I no longer cared about the plane.......
When I returned he was composed. His friends had left and he just looked at me, kind of like he was embarrassed.
I sat down and just talked with him, about nothing in particular. The truth was he didn't want to hear it and I didn't want to speak about it. At the end he grab my shoulder and drew me in close. His voice quivered, fighting back the tears, as he shook my hand and placed his hand around my other shoulder. "Be seeing you son. I'll be here when you get back. Have a good week and take care...."
Sunday, 25 March 2012
First diagnosis (9)
I remember the final weeks like it was yesterday. It was a cycle that consisted of me working, then jumping a plane to go home after a 14 hour shift. Once home I would set about fixing what I could fix at home, typical handyman stuff, as well as shopping and being a taxi service. I remember the day it happened. I had been called in to work. It was a Sunday and it had been busy. I had started at 8 am and finally finished at 10. I remember my partner coming to the clinic to pick me up and simply handing me the phone as soon as I exited the doors to the clinic. "You need to ring your mum."
My heart sank. All I could think of was the worst...I dialled the number. When she answered there was a calmness and almost a relief in her voice. "Your dad's had to be hospitalised." All I could say was "okay". She elaborated further. "He was cleaning his teeth this morning at the sink and had a seizure. He stood at the sink, had muscle tremours and frothed at the mouth. When he came to, he became violent with me." I knew what that meant. "I called the ambulance and he's been admitted to hospital. I'm here with him now. He wants to come home."
I stood for a second in the darkness and quiet of the car park. "No." was all I could muster.
"He won't talk to me. He's been swearing at me!!"
"Put him on the phone." When he said hello his words were slurred. It sounded like he was drunk, even though he was not sedated.
"Dad, you need to be here. Mum can't take care of you and you remember what we talked about." He didn't say a word. He knew, I knew, this was the beginning of the end. Fuck, what am I talking about. It was the beginning of the end when he was diagnosed. I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
The next voice that spoke was mum. "When are you coming home ?"
"I'll be home tomorrow. Get some rest and I'll see you then."
I couldn't sleep that night. I tossed and turned and finally paced the house. I arrived at the airport picked up my car from the long term car park and went to the house first. It was quiet. Mum was already at the hospital. I dropped my bag off and drove to the hospital, all the while thinking about what had to be done. There was a mountain to climb in things to do but it would get done.
When I arrived at the hospital mum was sitting in a chair next to dad's bed and dad was lying on his side. He was sleeping. He heard me enter the room and opened his eyes. "You didn't have to come. What about your job?" I choked back tears, swallowed hard and said "It's okay old man, I had to come home and see you pretending to be sick." He smiled.
I sat down and chatted to them both, just about the day to day things. A short time later lunch arrived. Mum prepared dad's meal. I fought back tears as she cut his meat, and vegetables and fed him. This was over. It was just a waiting game now.....
I couldn't stay any longer. I had to get out. The room had become small and I felt sick. Mum walked me to the car after dad had eaten the smallest amount of food.
"What will you do?" She hugged me tight.
"Well, I'll potter around and do some odd jobs and make dinner. You stay and ring me when your ready to come home and I'll pick you up."
She turned and went back into the hospital and I got into the car. Finally, I couldn't hold the tears back any longer. I just sat and cried....."Why?"
After that I couldn't spend a long at the hospital. Certainly not the hours that mum spent beside dad's bed.
I think at that moment I did and had let him down. I could not face him for long periods. This was the man that I loved and respected with all my heart. Alot of the times we did not see eye to eye but he was smart, intelligent and worked hard throughout his life, and this was the way it was to end, in hospital, bed ridden........
My heart sank. All I could think of was the worst...I dialled the number. When she answered there was a calmness and almost a relief in her voice. "Your dad's had to be hospitalised." All I could say was "okay". She elaborated further. "He was cleaning his teeth this morning at the sink and had a seizure. He stood at the sink, had muscle tremours and frothed at the mouth. When he came to, he became violent with me." I knew what that meant. "I called the ambulance and he's been admitted to hospital. I'm here with him now. He wants to come home."
I stood for a second in the darkness and quiet of the car park. "No." was all I could muster.
"He won't talk to me. He's been swearing at me!!"
"Put him on the phone." When he said hello his words were slurred. It sounded like he was drunk, even though he was not sedated.
"Dad, you need to be here. Mum can't take care of you and you remember what we talked about." He didn't say a word. He knew, I knew, this was the beginning of the end. Fuck, what am I talking about. It was the beginning of the end when he was diagnosed. I was just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
The next voice that spoke was mum. "When are you coming home ?"
"I'll be home tomorrow. Get some rest and I'll see you then."
I couldn't sleep that night. I tossed and turned and finally paced the house. I arrived at the airport picked up my car from the long term car park and went to the house first. It was quiet. Mum was already at the hospital. I dropped my bag off and drove to the hospital, all the while thinking about what had to be done. There was a mountain to climb in things to do but it would get done.
When I arrived at the hospital mum was sitting in a chair next to dad's bed and dad was lying on his side. He was sleeping. He heard me enter the room and opened his eyes. "You didn't have to come. What about your job?" I choked back tears, swallowed hard and said "It's okay old man, I had to come home and see you pretending to be sick." He smiled.
I sat down and chatted to them both, just about the day to day things. A short time later lunch arrived. Mum prepared dad's meal. I fought back tears as she cut his meat, and vegetables and fed him. This was over. It was just a waiting game now.....
I couldn't stay any longer. I had to get out. The room had become small and I felt sick. Mum walked me to the car after dad had eaten the smallest amount of food.
"What will you do?" She hugged me tight.
"Well, I'll potter around and do some odd jobs and make dinner. You stay and ring me when your ready to come home and I'll pick you up."
She turned and went back into the hospital and I got into the car. Finally, I couldn't hold the tears back any longer. I just sat and cried....."Why?"
After that I couldn't spend a long at the hospital. Certainly not the hours that mum spent beside dad's bed.
I think at that moment I did and had let him down. I could not face him for long periods. This was the man that I loved and respected with all my heart. Alot of the times we did not see eye to eye but he was smart, intelligent and worked hard throughout his life, and this was the way it was to end, in hospital, bed ridden........
Wednesday, 7 March 2012
First diagnosis(8)
I helped dad dress the next day. It was soul destroying, watching a man I admired and loved with all my heart struggle to put his shirt on. I helped with the shirt buttons and shoes. The car trip to the doctor was quiet. Dad sat mute in the front seat concentrating on not showing any signs of pain. Mum did not say a word.
When we arrived the doctor came out. I wasn't expecting to be involved but he insisted. " I see two people at a time. Your mum and dad will be first and then I will see you with your dad".
Mum and dad were in the office for all of fifteen minutes. When she emerged she had been crying. The doctor came and ushered me in to his office. "Your mum tells me your a vet ?"
"Yes." I felt uneasy. I wasn't here to talk about me I was here to talk about my dad.
He closed the door. "So I need to know from you, what are your expectations and wishes with your dad ?" I was a little taken aback. Mum should of discussed this with him. "Your mum's not dealing with this well and has said that you will address all of this"
"Okay." All I could think of was "fuck, why me!!!Why do I have to be the one to do this?....This is going to be hard!!" After a minute I composed myself and spoke. All the time thinking "do not cry....You have prepared yourself for this....."
"My big concerns are his pain relief. He is in pain and I need him to be pain free...." The second thing is that I need you and him to understand is that when it becomes too much for mum that he will be admitted into palliative care. Mum is not well enough to lift him in and out of the bath or bed for that matter. That is my wish, not mum's and I take full responsibility for that. Whereas I know he could not help getting cancer, he has ignored all recommendations during the time he's had it and now it's too late!!" My voice was breaking. All dad did was stare straight at a spot on the wall. He would not look at me. His lips pursed with his trademark sunnies on his face. He could of been a statue...
The doctor paused and then said. "Well, I agree. His pain relief is an issue. I think we should use fentanyl patches, oxymorphine, and prednisolone. As well I would like to place him on maxalon and omaperazole." He made me feel at ease and a calm came over me. What's more he made you feel like you were involved in the decision making process.
"As to the second request, I have no issue with that. When it comes to a time that your mum can't manage your dad that will happen. Your dad is suppose to see a radiation oncologist tomorrow for an appointment." I rolled my eyes. Fucking leeches...There was no hope, he was dying and they were trying to flog a dead horse......
When thinking back on this moment, I love the fact that I work in an industry that does not prolong pain and suffering. Practicality is out the door when it comes to humans and medicine........
When we arrived the doctor came out. I wasn't expecting to be involved but he insisted. " I see two people at a time. Your mum and dad will be first and then I will see you with your dad".
Mum and dad were in the office for all of fifteen minutes. When she emerged she had been crying. The doctor came and ushered me in to his office. "Your mum tells me your a vet ?"
"Yes." I felt uneasy. I wasn't here to talk about me I was here to talk about my dad.
He closed the door. "So I need to know from you, what are your expectations and wishes with your dad ?" I was a little taken aback. Mum should of discussed this with him. "Your mum's not dealing with this well and has said that you will address all of this"
"Okay." All I could think of was "fuck, why me!!!Why do I have to be the one to do this?....This is going to be hard!!" After a minute I composed myself and spoke. All the time thinking "do not cry....You have prepared yourself for this....."
"My big concerns are his pain relief. He is in pain and I need him to be pain free...." The second thing is that I need you and him to understand is that when it becomes too much for mum that he will be admitted into palliative care. Mum is not well enough to lift him in and out of the bath or bed for that matter. That is my wish, not mum's and I take full responsibility for that. Whereas I know he could not help getting cancer, he has ignored all recommendations during the time he's had it and now it's too late!!" My voice was breaking. All dad did was stare straight at a spot on the wall. He would not look at me. His lips pursed with his trademark sunnies on his face. He could of been a statue...
The doctor paused and then said. "Well, I agree. His pain relief is an issue. I think we should use fentanyl patches, oxymorphine, and prednisolone. As well I would like to place him on maxalon and omaperazole." He made me feel at ease and a calm came over me. What's more he made you feel like you were involved in the decision making process.
"As to the second request, I have no issue with that. When it comes to a time that your mum can't manage your dad that will happen. Your dad is suppose to see a radiation oncologist tomorrow for an appointment." I rolled my eyes. Fucking leeches...There was no hope, he was dying and they were trying to flog a dead horse......
When thinking back on this moment, I love the fact that I work in an industry that does not prolong pain and suffering. Practicality is out the door when it comes to humans and medicine........
Friday, 24 February 2012
First diagnosis(7)
It was just after Christmas and I was settling in to the new year. New job, new house......It was as if everything was looking up.
Then, there was the phone call....I remember it as if it was like yesterday(Kind of corny I know, but it is something that has and most probably will stick with me forever)......It was my mum. She was not upset, just quiet, and she spoke softly."Stuart, we need to talk.....It's your dad", my heart skipped a beat."Somethings happened". Now it fluttered a little. "Your dad's had a turn." And there it was. Five simple words that hit the mark they were intended for. The perfect bulls eye. The thing I had dreaded finally upon me."I'll put your dad on".
When he came to the phone, it took what seemed like an eternity for him to speak. I did not recognise the man that spoke. His words were garbled, his speech slow and slurred. I had to concentrate to hear what he had to say. I don't even know or remember the content just the way it was delivered. It was all I needed to hear.
When mum came back to the phone I could tell she was fighting the tears back and that dad was standing next to her....All I could do was say"I'm sorry" and "I'll be home tomorrow"...
This was the beginning of the end or perhaps the beginning of the end was when we first discovered the cancer. The bomb had gone off and finally I knew the damage that I was dealing with.
At least it was drawing close to the end..............God I hated myself for thinking and feeling that but he had suffered, mum had suffered.......Fuck !!!! I hate this disease.
I drove home a day later. All the time thinking that, "maybe he would get his miracle. Maybe? It could happen? Right ?"
I arrived home just on 730. I had spent 13 hours in the car and was tired, but still, I had work to do. Planning, I just couldn't stop. My mind couldn't stop. I thought about all the scenarios, pain, seizures, palliation, hospital, the inevitable funeral, how much time off work/relationship. Preparations for mum. The house!! Oh god the house......It was run down and the trees and grass overgrown. It was showing it's age like it's occupants. "Where to start ?"
First things first! Dad. I found him in bed. He looked frail and old and struggled to sit up or for that matter interact at all. The bedroom smelt musty...........I sat next to him on the bed and stroked his head......"Hey old man"...He looked up and smiled at me.......It had beaten him. Who am I kidding. It was always going to beat him."Can I get you anything ?" He squeezed out a "No" on the end of a long breath......."Alright, I'll let you rest."
Mum and I sat in the sun room away from their bedroom. She had moved bedrooms to give him some peace and quiet.....Tears welled up in her eyes. "I don't know what to do ?"
"Has he seen the doctor ?"
"Yes"
"So what drugs is he on ?"
"Nurofen. I'm not happy about it. I contacted a palliative care doctor. He's one of the best. His book is full but because I nursed he will see us tomorrow" She looked at me hoping, knowing that I would be chauffeuring them around until the end........
"Okay, well that's the first thing. I won't have him in pain mum....He can't be in any pain......"
Then, there was the phone call....I remember it as if it was like yesterday(Kind of corny I know, but it is something that has and most probably will stick with me forever)......It was my mum. She was not upset, just quiet, and she spoke softly."Stuart, we need to talk.....It's your dad", my heart skipped a beat."Somethings happened". Now it fluttered a little. "Your dad's had a turn." And there it was. Five simple words that hit the mark they were intended for. The perfect bulls eye. The thing I had dreaded finally upon me."I'll put your dad on".
When he came to the phone, it took what seemed like an eternity for him to speak. I did not recognise the man that spoke. His words were garbled, his speech slow and slurred. I had to concentrate to hear what he had to say. I don't even know or remember the content just the way it was delivered. It was all I needed to hear.
When mum came back to the phone I could tell she was fighting the tears back and that dad was standing next to her....All I could do was say"I'm sorry" and "I'll be home tomorrow"...
This was the beginning of the end or perhaps the beginning of the end was when we first discovered the cancer. The bomb had gone off and finally I knew the damage that I was dealing with.
At least it was drawing close to the end..............God I hated myself for thinking and feeling that but he had suffered, mum had suffered.......Fuck !!!! I hate this disease.
I drove home a day later. All the time thinking that, "maybe he would get his miracle. Maybe? It could happen? Right ?"
I arrived home just on 730. I had spent 13 hours in the car and was tired, but still, I had work to do. Planning, I just couldn't stop. My mind couldn't stop. I thought about all the scenarios, pain, seizures, palliation, hospital, the inevitable funeral, how much time off work/relationship. Preparations for mum. The house!! Oh god the house......It was run down and the trees and grass overgrown. It was showing it's age like it's occupants. "Where to start ?"
First things first! Dad. I found him in bed. He looked frail and old and struggled to sit up or for that matter interact at all. The bedroom smelt musty...........I sat next to him on the bed and stroked his head......"Hey old man"...He looked up and smiled at me.......It had beaten him. Who am I kidding. It was always going to beat him."Can I get you anything ?" He squeezed out a "No" on the end of a long breath......."Alright, I'll let you rest."
Mum and I sat in the sun room away from their bedroom. She had moved bedrooms to give him some peace and quiet.....Tears welled up in her eyes. "I don't know what to do ?"
"Has he seen the doctor ?"
"Yes"
"So what drugs is he on ?"
"Nurofen. I'm not happy about it. I contacted a palliative care doctor. He's one of the best. His book is full but because I nursed he will see us tomorrow" She looked at me hoping, knowing that I would be chauffeuring them around until the end........
"Okay, well that's the first thing. I won't have him in pain mum....He can't be in any pain......"
Sunday, 19 February 2012
First diagnosis (6)
Remembering facts and figures has always been a strong point of mine. My mum has always said that I am quiet unless I have something real to say and when I say it, it is said with conviction. Most of my work colleagues think that I am the clown and to some extent they are right......It's a good charade.....
It was December 2007, We left in the late afternoon for home with trailer in tow. I drove the 13 hours with limited stops. Ripped tarps and a deluge of rain in Sydney could not stop me getting to home. All the while I was thinking, "What's he going to be like ?, Is he going to be the same ?"
Mum had already told me that he had lost alot of weight and would sleep most of the day. He would sit for only short periods because he could not get comfortable..........This really sucked
We arrived at 3 am. All we could do was leave the car in the driveway and fall into bed.....I don't think I slept alot.
I remember thinking when I first saw him, that he looked like a skeleton. He had lost weight, he looked dishevelled and he appeared distant. Still, he was trying to be his same old self. Yet he was slower. It was like everything he did took thought and focus......
The house was in desperate need of some TLC. All I could do on this trip was hang new curtains, replace a fly screen and door handle and the time was gone.........
We left 24 hours later for Queensland........
Before I left mum had the talk with me..She was worried and upset about it all. Why shouldn't she be. This was her husband, the man she had married, had been with for 27 years, and he was going to leave her in the not too distant future. "I need to know what's going to happen ?"
Fuck, I didn't know. How was I suppose to know? I had friends that had died, but not my old man.....When the time comes I will be there. It was true, my life was about to get more complicated and it needed to be. These were my family, the people who had supported me through thick and thin.....I would be there for them. I had to be!
It was December 2007, We left in the late afternoon for home with trailer in tow. I drove the 13 hours with limited stops. Ripped tarps and a deluge of rain in Sydney could not stop me getting to home. All the while I was thinking, "What's he going to be like ?, Is he going to be the same ?"
Mum had already told me that he had lost alot of weight and would sleep most of the day. He would sit for only short periods because he could not get comfortable..........This really sucked
We arrived at 3 am. All we could do was leave the car in the driveway and fall into bed.....I don't think I slept alot.
I remember thinking when I first saw him, that he looked like a skeleton. He had lost weight, he looked dishevelled and he appeared distant. Still, he was trying to be his same old self. Yet he was slower. It was like everything he did took thought and focus......
The house was in desperate need of some TLC. All I could do on this trip was hang new curtains, replace a fly screen and door handle and the time was gone.........
We left 24 hours later for Queensland........
Before I left mum had the talk with me..She was worried and upset about it all. Why shouldn't she be. This was her husband, the man she had married, had been with for 27 years, and he was going to leave her in the not too distant future. "I need to know what's going to happen ?"
Fuck, I didn't know. How was I suppose to know? I had friends that had died, but not my old man.....When the time comes I will be there. It was true, my life was about to get more complicated and it needed to be. These were my family, the people who had supported me through thick and thin.....I would be there for them. I had to be!
Thursday, 9 February 2012
New Beginning
Wow, The last few days have been a blur for me, for that matter, so have the last 8 months. I have gone from my whole world falling apart in June to moving to a foreign country to do something that I have always wanted to do but didn't think I was capable of.
Initially when making a decision to make the move and apply for the match a good friend said to me " The thing that scares everyone most of all is the fear of being rejected rather than the application process itself" She was right. I hated the thought of applying and finding out that "no" they didn't want me.
No one likes to hear it. We all like to think we are good at what we do and sometimes not applying and putting yourself out there for judgement is often easier than looking in the mirror and judging yourself or being judged by others.
Before this I had always put up roadblocks to it all, too old, too experienced etcetcetc......"Blahblahblah"..
You tell yourself all these bullshit things so that you don't have to be judged but at the end of the day if you really want something, as I did, you have to be put on a stage by yourself and have the spotlight placed upon you.
When I first saw the match list, I had to pinch myself, I almost choked and then emotion took over....."Made it"......The euphoria has not subsided nor will it. I am in awe of all the support from both friends and family that I have received and am so pumped to be moving on both personally and professionally...........
Initially when making a decision to make the move and apply for the match a good friend said to me " The thing that scares everyone most of all is the fear of being rejected rather than the application process itself" She was right. I hated the thought of applying and finding out that "no" they didn't want me.
No one likes to hear it. We all like to think we are good at what we do and sometimes not applying and putting yourself out there for judgement is often easier than looking in the mirror and judging yourself or being judged by others.
Before this I had always put up roadblocks to it all, too old, too experienced etcetcetc......"Blahblahblah"..
You tell yourself all these bullshit things so that you don't have to be judged but at the end of the day if you really want something, as I did, you have to be put on a stage by yourself and have the spotlight placed upon you.
When I first saw the match list, I had to pinch myself, I almost choked and then emotion took over....."Made it"......The euphoria has not subsided nor will it. I am in awe of all the support from both friends and family that I have received and am so pumped to be moving on both personally and professionally...........
Wednesday, 1 February 2012
First Diagnosis(5)
I don't know why I called this first diagnosis now as clearly we are coming to the end of this story. I think I lack the imagination to be witty or creative.
After, what seemed like an eternity mum finally returned from Japan. She was greeted with dad's news by dad. I had already told her so she was expecting it. All she did was be supportive in the decision that he made. That's all any of us could be. His decision was final!!!....
Life went on, and so did the tests. I don't know why.....To say he was stuffed was an understatement. It was just a matter of time.
We went back to speaking on the phone, talking footy, dogs and the usual bullshit about politics and money. He was beat, you could tell in his voice, when he spoke.......
All I wanted to do was go home, tell him to fight and not lay down........Just get up damn it!!!.....One more time. Just like you taught me to do........
My world kept falling apart slowly. Hated Melbourne, in career limbo, wanted a residency but was overlooked...........and meantime all I wanted to do was move closer to home and help mum and dad through this and just be there.......
When a chance came to move back to Queensland I jumped at it. More to the point I was going to visit mum and dad and be closer to them...............
All I felt was relief and a sick feeling in my stomach at the same time. What do you say to someone who is dying ?, How do you behave ? especially when it's your dad.........All I thought about was seeing him again since the news. How to get through this without losing my bottle ???...........
After, what seemed like an eternity mum finally returned from Japan. She was greeted with dad's news by dad. I had already told her so she was expecting it. All she did was be supportive in the decision that he made. That's all any of us could be. His decision was final!!!....
Life went on, and so did the tests. I don't know why.....To say he was stuffed was an understatement. It was just a matter of time.
We went back to speaking on the phone, talking footy, dogs and the usual bullshit about politics and money. He was beat, you could tell in his voice, when he spoke.......
All I wanted to do was go home, tell him to fight and not lay down........Just get up damn it!!!.....One more time. Just like you taught me to do........
My world kept falling apart slowly. Hated Melbourne, in career limbo, wanted a residency but was overlooked...........and meantime all I wanted to do was move closer to home and help mum and dad through this and just be there.......
When a chance came to move back to Queensland I jumped at it. More to the point I was going to visit mum and dad and be closer to them...............
All I felt was relief and a sick feeling in my stomach at the same time. What do you say to someone who is dying ?, How do you behave ? especially when it's your dad.........All I thought about was seeing him again since the news. How to get through this without losing my bottle ???...........
Friday, 27 January 2012
First Diagnosis(4)
It had been some weeks since Dad's surgery. It had gone without a hitch.
Most that don't know about Melanoma, they harvest the malignant cells and create a vaccine with them to be used against it as a form of chemotherapy. We were in limbo whilst this was occurring......During that time my mum had to rush to Japan for my sister. She had been trying to get pregnant for a long time without success. We soon discovered why.......She had a uterine mass......"Shit could life get any better ?????" Whilst mum was away mum had asked if I would look in on Dad from time to time........
As usual he was hard to get hold of. Those that new my dad knew that he wasn't the most talkative and hated the phone..........When I finally got hold of him he seemed preoccupied.......He was aloof but pleasant. We talk about everything and nothing all at once. His beloved Saints were losing again..........
He finally broached the subject with me. "I've decided not to get any further treatment and my mind's made up"......He used his stern voice this time and I could tell he was up for a fight if necessary. All I could say was "OK".........
"I can beat this..It won't beat me"....."That's fine dad, I accept it all"
"I don't need it or want it"......"OK"........
I knew he would do this. It was me he had to convince not mum. I was the person that he sought validation for big decisions like this these days. There was no doubt he was a fighter. I had grown up respecting the fact that he would fight for the underdog and wouldn't give up. He had a strong sense of social justice and would not back down. But there was one thing. As I had grown older he sort more and more my approval. We had grown closer in that sense......
I just let him talk.......
When he had finished I simply replied."OK, I accept you have made your decision. That is your right. I thought you would do this and that's fine. Now here is my decision, and I speak for mum as well as the rest of the family............You will become sicker, that's just a given..........There will come a time that you will not be able to take care of yourself, that's a given.......When that day comes, mum will not be able to take care of you and I think it is unfair for you to ask her to. She has been not only your wife and partner in life, but your best friend. She has stood by you throughout the marriage and this disease. In all honesty dad I expected this.........So here is my decision....................When that day comes you will be admitted to a palliative care unit to be taken care of by professionals.........No questions asked and I will be responsible for that decision..........."
The phone was silent for what seemed like an eternity. All that was going through my mind was"You fuckwit!!!!!!!.......You have destroyed him"............I think that day was the day that I broke his heart and he never forgave me..........
All he said was "Okay" .....and we went on talking for a few minutes before we said our goodbyes and he hung up...........
He did not answer the phone to me for the next week............
Most that don't know about Melanoma, they harvest the malignant cells and create a vaccine with them to be used against it as a form of chemotherapy. We were in limbo whilst this was occurring......During that time my mum had to rush to Japan for my sister. She had been trying to get pregnant for a long time without success. We soon discovered why.......She had a uterine mass......"Shit could life get any better ?????" Whilst mum was away mum had asked if I would look in on Dad from time to time........
As usual he was hard to get hold of. Those that new my dad knew that he wasn't the most talkative and hated the phone..........When I finally got hold of him he seemed preoccupied.......He was aloof but pleasant. We talk about everything and nothing all at once. His beloved Saints were losing again..........
He finally broached the subject with me. "I've decided not to get any further treatment and my mind's made up"......He used his stern voice this time and I could tell he was up for a fight if necessary. All I could say was "OK".........
"I can beat this..It won't beat me"....."That's fine dad, I accept it all"
"I don't need it or want it"......"OK"........
I knew he would do this. It was me he had to convince not mum. I was the person that he sought validation for big decisions like this these days. There was no doubt he was a fighter. I had grown up respecting the fact that he would fight for the underdog and wouldn't give up. He had a strong sense of social justice and would not back down. But there was one thing. As I had grown older he sort more and more my approval. We had grown closer in that sense......
I just let him talk.......
When he had finished I simply replied."OK, I accept you have made your decision. That is your right. I thought you would do this and that's fine. Now here is my decision, and I speak for mum as well as the rest of the family............You will become sicker, that's just a given..........There will come a time that you will not be able to take care of yourself, that's a given.......When that day comes, mum will not be able to take care of you and I think it is unfair for you to ask her to. She has been not only your wife and partner in life, but your best friend. She has stood by you throughout the marriage and this disease. In all honesty dad I expected this.........So here is my decision....................When that day comes you will be admitted to a palliative care unit to be taken care of by professionals.........No questions asked and I will be responsible for that decision..........."
The phone was silent for what seemed like an eternity. All that was going through my mind was"You fuckwit!!!!!!!.......You have destroyed him"............I think that day was the day that I broke his heart and he never forgave me..........
All he said was "Okay" .....and we went on talking for a few minutes before we said our goodbyes and he hung up...........
He did not answer the phone to me for the next week............
Saturday, 21 January 2012
First diagnosis(3)
I remember when the news came through. I had been living in Melbourne for four years and was over it, another story for another time.
When the phone call came it was my mum who spoke first. She was very casual about everything and told me without breaking for a breath. I could tell she was worried and dad was next to her. "The cancer's back Stu. It's in his lymph node. Your dad goes in for surgery next week to remove it and the local node. I'll put your dad on."........It took every fibre of his being to be upbeat.....He knew. His voice almost broke a few times and I could hear the pain in it as he tried to be upbeat. "I'll be fine son. This is not going to beat me." My voice choked up and I fought with every fibre of my being not to cry then and there. All I could think of was...."He's about to become another statistic. We spoke for another few minutes about the dogs and of course rugby.......It was something that we could always turn to when the conversation got to hard, sport and the dogs........His final words to me were. "I'll put your mother back on......Don't worry I'll be fine......"
When mum came back on she almost sounded relieved. Relieved that she could share the burden and could talk to someone about it. I couldn't and didn't say allot to her about it. I was shell shocked but I shouldn't of been.......I knew what was coming and I knew what I had to do..........It wasn't about me. It was all about the family and keeping it together.....
I needed time to myself. Time to digest what I had just heard. Time to come up with a plan.........I couldn't talk with anyone about it.......They just wouldn't understand........
When the phone call came it was my mum who spoke first. She was very casual about everything and told me without breaking for a breath. I could tell she was worried and dad was next to her. "The cancer's back Stu. It's in his lymph node. Your dad goes in for surgery next week to remove it and the local node. I'll put your dad on."........It took every fibre of his being to be upbeat.....He knew. His voice almost broke a few times and I could hear the pain in it as he tried to be upbeat. "I'll be fine son. This is not going to beat me." My voice choked up and I fought with every fibre of my being not to cry then and there. All I could think of was...."He's about to become another statistic. We spoke for another few minutes about the dogs and of course rugby.......It was something that we could always turn to when the conversation got to hard, sport and the dogs........His final words to me were. "I'll put your mother back on......Don't worry I'll be fine......"
When mum came back on she almost sounded relieved. Relieved that she could share the burden and could talk to someone about it. I couldn't and didn't say allot to her about it. I was shell shocked but I shouldn't of been.......I knew what was coming and I knew what I had to do..........It wasn't about me. It was all about the family and keeping it together.....
I needed time to myself. Time to digest what I had just heard. Time to come up with a plan.........I couldn't talk with anyone about it.......They just wouldn't understand........
Tuesday, 17 January 2012
First diagnosis(2)
When the news came that the lymph node was clear, to say it was a relief was an underestimate. I think I just sat and cried. What came next was worse. It was like dad had been hit by a train. He thought that this could never happen to him and he finally realised that he was not invincible after all.
I remember the doctor sitting down with him and going through the battery of tests that was going to occur every three months for the next 5 years, and that there was a strong likelihood given the nature of the cancer that he wouldn't see this time through.
I thought the initial diagnosis was bad but knowing that you would be dead within 5 years was "SHIT." Still to give the old boy his credit he got on with things after his sutures came out. Unbeknownst to me, and after his death I found several scribblings of a man struggling with it all, looking for possible treatments no matter how bizarre, like the half a raw onion each day and a possible cancer cure............
I think for me that was the hardest thing to realise, that he thought he was alone during it all. Even though he had close support around him he internalised it all because he was just that type of guy........He came from a family where the man of the house was its strength no matter what. Also I think because he had lost his father at 13 and then had become the man of the house, going to work soon after had contributed to his failure to communicate..............
The tests were never ending and as soon as he would finish one round another round would begin. His life was now ruled by the cancer even though there was no sign of it..............It was just a matter of time 'tic toc tic toc'
I remember the doctor sitting down with him and going through the battery of tests that was going to occur every three months for the next 5 years, and that there was a strong likelihood given the nature of the cancer that he wouldn't see this time through.
I thought the initial diagnosis was bad but knowing that you would be dead within 5 years was "SHIT." Still to give the old boy his credit he got on with things after his sutures came out. Unbeknownst to me, and after his death I found several scribblings of a man struggling with it all, looking for possible treatments no matter how bizarre, like the half a raw onion each day and a possible cancer cure............
I think for me that was the hardest thing to realise, that he thought he was alone during it all. Even though he had close support around him he internalised it all because he was just that type of guy........He came from a family where the man of the house was its strength no matter what. Also I think because he had lost his father at 13 and then had become the man of the house, going to work soon after had contributed to his failure to communicate..............
The tests were never ending and as soon as he would finish one round another round would begin. His life was now ruled by the cancer even though there was no sign of it..............It was just a matter of time 'tic toc tic toc'
Monday, 16 January 2012
First diagnosis
I always remember when my dad first got sick. I had just graduated and was driving home from Brisbane on my way to Melbourne. Mum was worried. As most males, my father was one of those guys that would rather self medicate than see a doctor.
I remember mum speaking to me the morning I arrived home. I recall her saying that dad had developed a mole on his back that was now ulcerated and bleeding. He had first noted it a few weeks ago and had just left it. I've got to admit when she first told me I wasn't too worried. Like all mothers mine was overprotective and sometimes embellished the truth. I was wrong........I saw some blood on his shirt later that day and asked him could I see the lesion. When I looked at it I knew straight away. I think he knew as well. He wouldn't look me in the eye. Instead he said "it'll be alright, I got a scratch and it seems to be healing". I just looked at him and said "Well let's just go see the doc just to make sure". I left for Melbourne that afternoon and he had an appointment that day. I remember talking to mum on the phone that night. All she could say was "Thanks. He listens to you." Needless to say they biopsied that day. I had been in Melbourne 2 days when I got the news. "Cancer, what's worse Melanoma". All i remember was the word cancer, nothing more. I just sat there stunned.......I couldn't believe it. You never like to think someone in your family gets sick or for that matter could have cancer, let alone this one..........He went for surgery to remove the cancer and biopsy the local lymph node 2 days later...............
I remember mum speaking to me the morning I arrived home. I recall her saying that dad had developed a mole on his back that was now ulcerated and bleeding. He had first noted it a few weeks ago and had just left it. I've got to admit when she first told me I wasn't too worried. Like all mothers mine was overprotective and sometimes embellished the truth. I was wrong........I saw some blood on his shirt later that day and asked him could I see the lesion. When I looked at it I knew straight away. I think he knew as well. He wouldn't look me in the eye. Instead he said "it'll be alright, I got a scratch and it seems to be healing". I just looked at him and said "Well let's just go see the doc just to make sure". I left for Melbourne that afternoon and he had an appointment that day. I remember talking to mum on the phone that night. All she could say was "Thanks. He listens to you." Needless to say they biopsied that day. I had been in Melbourne 2 days when I got the news. "Cancer, what's worse Melanoma". All i remember was the word cancer, nothing more. I just sat there stunned.......I couldn't believe it. You never like to think someone in your family gets sick or for that matter could have cancer, let alone this one..........He went for surgery to remove the cancer and biopsy the local lymph node 2 days later...............
Sunday, 15 January 2012
Friends to me are one of the most important parts of my life. I think that I have great friends who do not judge but listen, who are not false but are there when they are needed, and are always willing to lend a hand. I don't think I'm the easiest person to get along with and I have faults, as does everyone. I guess I have friends across the country and for that matter the world and I think that I have been lucky in life to have met these people.
I also think that my oldest friends have not only stood the test of time but they have seen me at my very best and my very worst.
My point, if you have good friends in life, you have everything you need in life not only to survive but also prosper.
C.S. Lewis once wrote Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art....It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.
In the last few months when I have needed my friends, not to judge or fight, but simply be there, they have been. Some new friendships have been forged over this time and some old ones have been lost. In the coming months I know I can count on them, because that's what makes them friends.
I also think that my oldest friends have not only stood the test of time but they have seen me at my very best and my very worst.
My point, if you have good friends in life, you have everything you need in life not only to survive but also prosper.
C.S. Lewis once wrote Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art....It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.
In the last few months when I have needed my friends, not to judge or fight, but simply be there, they have been. Some new friendships have been forged over this time and some old ones have been lost. In the coming months I know I can count on them, because that's what makes them friends.
Saturday, 7 January 2012
Opportunity
I can't remember a time when I didn't want to be a vet. My mum always tells a story that when I was little there was a Clydesdale that use to be in a paddock nearby. I use to stare at that horse and try to get to see it once a day. One day a man walking by said " I see you here everyday with your mum. What's so interesting about the horse ?" Bare in mind that I cannot remember anything but my mum tells this story with great relish ! I replied "His feet" The man looked at me with a puzzled look on his face and said "What about his feet ?" My reply, " He must have to have really big shoes to wear."
I think people have calling's in there life. I think that if you find something you love then you do what you love and are passionate about.
I have always known that I wanted to be a vet and was and have been willing to do whatever it took to not only become a vet but be the best that I could be. Simply, it was not enough for me to just be an okay vet. I needed to be the best that I could be at my chosen craft whatever the consequences.
Hippocrates once wrote "Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes a matter of opportunity"
I think people have calling's in there life. I think that if you find something you love then you do what you love and are passionate about.
I have always known that I wanted to be a vet and was and have been willing to do whatever it took to not only become a vet but be the best that I could be. Simply, it was not enough for me to just be an okay vet. I needed to be the best that I could be at my chosen craft whatever the consequences.
I remember the first time that I applied for vet school. I had just turned 18 and it was the January after school had finished, marks were due out, and university positions were about to be announced. My results came in the mail and I was short. I new when I looked at the marks that this would not be happening. At that stage I thought all my world had ended and that I would never get to be a vet.
My mum offered me the best advice: "If it's meant to be it will happen. You just have to work hard and be patient ....." It took me another four years to get an offer for vet school.....
I still remember that day as well. I had just graduated Ag Science and was home for the holidays. In those days you had to ring a hotline for your offers.
I was asleep at the time, hungover as usual after another early morning drinking session with old friends. All I remembered was my mum running through the family home and at the top of her lungs crying out "He's in! He's bloody in". Now if you spoke with my mum she would say that she would never use such language. I however, remember this vividly. I asked mum later after the haze of sleep had cleared and the news had finally sunk in after the fourth phone call to the hotline. "What would you have done if i didn't make it?" Her response " I would of just hung up and let you sleep".......
I would like to think that I am good at what I do. However, I do not want to become complacent and think I will always be a student of veterinary science in some way, shape or form, and for that matter life as well. The reason is that everyone can teach you something new in this profession be it vet, nurse, receptionist, cleaner......They all have something to offer, whether it just be a kind word or old forgotten technique they had once seen..........Hippocrates once wrote "Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes a matter of opportunity"
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